There was about year in my life that I was forcefully pushed to learn about death and life, loss and joy. It started one day like any other while waiting for my sister to arrive from a cross-country drive to visit me.
June 16, 2013: my beloved only sister died in a car crash. She was 36 years old, a loved wife and mother to two children. Being my older sister, she was a huge part of my identity. Needless to say, this was a tragic day that forever shaped each person in my family in different ways.
August 10, 2013: my beloved grandfather died. He was 79 years old. This happened very soon after my sister died and in the midst of heavy sorrow. It was difficult to sort out emotions between the two deaths. I have only fond memories of my grandpa. He had dementia and I believe that his heart was broken over my sister's death and he couldn't hold on to this world any longer.
May 10, 2014: my beloved grandmother died when she was 75. I believe that she was also heartbroken. I can still hear her sweet voice singing hymns. I felt pretty exhausted at this time, with a looming fear of another family member dying just because three in one year is a lot. My Dad lost a daughter and both parents within that same year. It was such a rough time.
It has been such a time of loss, sorrow, pain, grief, and anguish, and I am still unsure of how to describe what I have learned on this side of it, but I know that I am not the same person I was before June 16, 2013. I feel like I have learned about what life means through the experience of sorrow. I think that on most days I go about my regular routines but in the back of my mind I am always thinking of how different life is now without these people in the world. It had been about 20 years since someone in my family died and I went to a funeral. Now I can remember wearing the same gray dress to those three funerals as if it became a uniform. I spent a lot of time introspecting, praying, crying, and trying to figure out what it all meant.
I don't know what it all means, and I don't feel like I have to have it figured out. I take each lesson as it comes, knowing that God continues to teach me when I'm willing to learn and listen to His voice. I pray that he continues to guide us all, because life is difficult no matter what happens. He continues to move mountains for me just as He has done for His people for centuries. The God of my sister, grandparents, Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, David, Solomon, Luke, Paul, Timothy, Peter, and so many other believers is our refuge and strength.
God the Refuge of His People.
For the choir director. A Psalm of the sons of Korah, set to Alamoth. A Song.
1God is our refuge and strength,
A very present help in trouble.
2Therefore we will not fear, though the earth should change
And though the mountains slip into the heart of the sea; 3Though its waters roar and foam,
Though the mountains quake at its swelling pride.
Selah.
4There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,The holy dwelling places of the Most High. 5God is in the midst of her, she will not be moved;
God will help her when morning dawns. 6The nations made an uproar, the kingdoms tottered;
He raised His voice, the earth melted. 7The LORD of hosts is with us;
The God of Jacob is our stronghold.
Selah.
8Come, behold the works of the LORD,Who has wrought desolations in the earth. 9He makes wars to cease to the end of the earth;
He breaks the bow and cuts the spear in two;
He burns the chariots with fire. 10“Cease striving and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.” 11The LORD of hosts is with us;
The God of Jacob is our stronghold.
Selah.
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