Falling Over With Laughter

Jud reminded me tonight of a favorite memory with you. When we had traveled to D.C. together and we were in the train station to leave, I fell backward on the escalator and I was caught from behind (I think literally on my behind!). You knew that I thought my husband had caught me and you loudly told me while trying to hold back laughter, "Jeanette, that's not your husband!" I immediately tried to regain my balance while precariously leaning against my suitcase and escalator railings and laughing and it was like an episode of "I Love Lucy." We laughed so hard about that. I still can't think about it without smiling. It was so great each time we would get the giggles together.

Building 429 - We Won't Be Shaken

We won't be shaken

 This song by Building 429 fills my heart right now:


"We Won't Be Shaken"

This world has nothing for me
This life is not my own
I know You go before me and I am not alone
This mountain rises higher
The way seems so unclear
But I know that You go with me so I will never fear
I will trust in You

Whatever will come our way
Through fire or pouring rain
We won't be shaken
No we won't be shaken
Whatever tomorrow brings
Together we'll rise and sing
That we won't be shaken
No we won't be shaken
Oooh oooh oh
Oooh oooh oh
Oooh oooh oh
No we won't be shaken

You know my every longing
You've heard my every prayer
You've held me in my weakness
Cause You are always there
So I'll stand in full surrender
It's Your way and not my own
My mind is set on nothing less
Than You and You alone
I will not be moved oh

Whatever will come our way
Through fire or pouring rain
We won't be shaken
No we won't be shaken
Whatever tomorrow brings
Together we'll rise and sing
That we won't be shaken
No we won't be shaken

We will trust in You
We will not be moved
We will trust in You
And we won't be shaken
[x3]

No we won't be shaken

Whatever will come our way
Through fire or pouring rain
We won't be shaken
No we won't be shaken
Whatever tomorrow brings
Together we'll rise and sing
That we won't be shaken
No we won't be shaken
Oooh oooh oh
Oooh oooh oh
Oooh oooh oh
No we won't be shaken
Oooh oooh oh
Oooh oooh oh
Oooh oooh oh
No we won't be shaken

Phone Calls

A memory I had recently is our long phone calls over the years. I remember having to call my cell phone provider more than once to up my minutes because I had exceeded them in talking to you for hours upon hours. That is a happy memory I have. We would sometimes talk until one of our husbands would start to protest or remind us that we had something to do or somewhere to go. My phone minutes will not get used up at all now because I hate talking on the phone. I can only stand it with a few people, one of whom was you. I will miss our phone calls.

I keep remembering things and telling myself that I will write them down but then I forget again with all the thoughts and prayers that swirl around my brain constantly. I don't want to forget a single memory with you.

I am still picturing the earth without you in it each day so that I can get used to this new reality. I can do it. I know I can. It is still going to hurt and that's OK. I accept that it will. Most memories with you don't make me cry but some just do. That's part of being human. It's part of loving another person so deeply. It's why people don't let other people get so close, but loving you was so easy. You were so easy to love. You accepted me when other people did not.

We had not lived in the same state for over a decade. I had not seen you in person for over a year. I received a text from you a half hour before you died. I've been reading those texts over and over, along with your emails. I loved having a sister who was my best friend because it made me feel better about the world. Nobody else wanted to love me like a sister or take the time to understand me. We were close even though we lived on opposite coasts.

I feel selfish because this is just about me, me, me. I know I had to share you with your husband and kids and I know that they feel deeper sorrow than I do. Your kids whom I love and consider my own and it tears me apart to not be near them. Your husband who shares a birthday with me and holds a special place in my heart for loving you.

I know where you are right now and I don't have regrets because you know exactly how much I loved you and that you were my best friend. I am so glad that you and I never let petty squabbles get in the way of our friendship and love for each other in the long term. We knew there was no time to waste on that.

You were always planning and I loved your plans. Sometimes they seemed far-fetched to me, but I generally went along with them. You were far more thoughtful than I was. I could rarely see past you and me and I never liked sharing you with friends. You knew that.

This is the first time I've not had you while going through something painful or happy. I have hugs and support from caring people in my life. People who were introduced to me for such a time as this.

I know what it's like to be your little sister and I will always treasure that.

Life is just so random and unpredictable. I created this blog and one post back in February with no idea about what would happen this year. I logged in to start a blog today to journal some thoughts about my sister and found that I had created this blog about mourning in February. I don't even remember what I was sad about at the time but this sorrow eclipses whatever it was so that will be its new purpose. The title and verse I wrote about back then bring me to tears. They don't seem like my own words but they speak right into my heart. I know that one day He will turn our mourning into dancing but for now we have a journey to get to that place.

It will be with sadness and joyful memories that I write here. I have a lot of both to work through.

 "For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory that is to be revealed to us." Romans 8:18