Tonight I am sad again. I keep getting asked when I am going to grief share, as if it's some kind of check box that I must do. Candace would agree that it's silly to assume that every person needs the same thing. I am OK. I am sad. It's possible to be both at the same time. Just because I'm sad does not mean that something is wrong with me or that I am not OK. People really don't understand this grieving thing. We all go about it in our own way. We have to.
I know that I will still be sad and miss my sister 20 years from now. That is how it must be. I am not afraid to be sad. I just wish everybody else was not afraid of it either. I wish people could be comfortable sharing and listening and letting others cry. It's healing.
Tonight I got a gift that is a locket. It has a diamond shape to represent my sister's birthstone, a heart with the word "sister" on it, a cross, and the background says "always". I want to wear it each and every day and tell everybody who asks about it my life story, but I know that's just my dream and reality will look different.
Monday, September 23, 2013
Sunday, September 15, 2013
Happy and Sad Together
I have decided that for my personal grieving process, I need to allow myself to feel both happy and sad about the memories and thoughts that I have. If I just try to focus on the happy, and push the sad feelings aside, they will still have to be dealt with. They will manifest in some way that is less than desirable. I will just feel sad and get it over with, kind of like holding on to a lie or secret that needs to be told. It just needs to be dealt with and get it over in the moment. Then I don't have to try to keep squashing it down. That is how I am doing so well through all of this because that is what my God has taught me to do.
20 Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us, 21 to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus to all generations [a]forever and ever. Amen.
Ephesians 3:20-21
New American Standard Bible (NASB)
Saturday, September 14, 2013
Dreamy Appearance
You showed up in my dream last night. I can't remember the exact sequence of events in the dream, but I remember thinking that you had come back to us. Your family was there and my family was there. Eventually in my dream it ended up that your husband had a room all to himself so I guess you were gone in my dream too.
Saturday, September 7, 2013
You Were So Sad
Tonight might be a little messy. I have felt like crying a few times today.
Today a flood of memory and sorrow overcame me when I remembered how you told me that you were moving to Japan for a few years. You were so sad and I told you that it was the same distance to me as our coast to coast distance. I did not understand your sorrow. I made eager plans to visit you every year in Japan, which was about the same frequency that I got to see you when you lived across the country from me.
I remember your words to me on that phone call. You said, "I am so glad that I get to spend time with the boys this summer." I thought for sure you were going to tell me that you had a terminal illness by the wavering and tears in your voice. "Because we got stationed in Japan for a few years." I felt a sense of excitement and relief. I would still get to see you and go visit you. How could you have known what the future held? How could I?
You were the only person on the earth that I would let take my boys for a month. Now I wish I could have your kids for the summer.
I go back over and over to the feeling of anticipation and excitement and planning that I had the day you died. I was so looking forward to it and I know that you were too. Just one hug from you. That's all I want tonight and I can't have it. I will have to wait what feels like so long for it. It's so lonely. I could cry right now but instead I will wrap myself up in your blanket and remember your warmth and love. Besides, if I cry and one of my kids wakes up, he will come hug me and try to comfort me like they have so many other times this summer.
I caught myself yesterday at work talking about "my sister's dog". I guess she will always be your dog but it stung me a little to say it for some reason. It's like now she's not your dog, she just belongs to your husband and kids.
Last Sunday in church I almost lost it again. I don't know what it is about worshiping but it gets me almost every time. The words seem to cut my soul sometimes. Words of hope, healing, and love tear at my raw heart because I know that they are true but that I am so sad at the same time. Last Sunday I remembered one Sunday at my church when I closed my eyes and felt like the beautiful voices worshiping God surrounding me were angel's voices. That Sunday a while ago I had thought I had a glimpse of heaven. I then realized that you already know about all of that. For some reason that struck me and I could no longer focus.
I am sure that my words sound much more dramatic than I really am. I still love to talk about you. Tomorrow I get to meet with another woman whose sister died a short time ago. I am reminded of the comfort I have received and the words of this verse came to mind as well so I looked up the exact verse: "Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God." 1Cor 1:3-4. I have received great comfort in my affliction. I pray that God will use me to comfort others and I am thankful that I know Him and He knows my heart. His Holy Spirit groans for me in my "weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we should, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words;" Rom 8:26.
I still can't believe that Grandpa is gone too sometimes. It has been the most emotional summer I've ever had. I am learning so much about grief, God, myself, and people through all of this. I just want to sit and remember you every free moment I get.
Today a flood of memory and sorrow overcame me when I remembered how you told me that you were moving to Japan for a few years. You were so sad and I told you that it was the same distance to me as our coast to coast distance. I did not understand your sorrow. I made eager plans to visit you every year in Japan, which was about the same frequency that I got to see you when you lived across the country from me.
I remember your words to me on that phone call. You said, "I am so glad that I get to spend time with the boys this summer." I thought for sure you were going to tell me that you had a terminal illness by the wavering and tears in your voice. "Because we got stationed in Japan for a few years." I felt a sense of excitement and relief. I would still get to see you and go visit you. How could you have known what the future held? How could I?
You were the only person on the earth that I would let take my boys for a month. Now I wish I could have your kids for the summer.
I go back over and over to the feeling of anticipation and excitement and planning that I had the day you died. I was so looking forward to it and I know that you were too. Just one hug from you. That's all I want tonight and I can't have it. I will have to wait what feels like so long for it. It's so lonely. I could cry right now but instead I will wrap myself up in your blanket and remember your warmth and love. Besides, if I cry and one of my kids wakes up, he will come hug me and try to comfort me like they have so many other times this summer.
I caught myself yesterday at work talking about "my sister's dog". I guess she will always be your dog but it stung me a little to say it for some reason. It's like now she's not your dog, she just belongs to your husband and kids.
Last Sunday in church I almost lost it again. I don't know what it is about worshiping but it gets me almost every time. The words seem to cut my soul sometimes. Words of hope, healing, and love tear at my raw heart because I know that they are true but that I am so sad at the same time. Last Sunday I remembered one Sunday at my church when I closed my eyes and felt like the beautiful voices worshiping God surrounding me were angel's voices. That Sunday a while ago I had thought I had a glimpse of heaven. I then realized that you already know about all of that. For some reason that struck me and I could no longer focus.
I am sure that my words sound much more dramatic than I really am. I still love to talk about you. Tomorrow I get to meet with another woman whose sister died a short time ago. I am reminded of the comfort I have received and the words of this verse came to mind as well so I looked up the exact verse: "Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God." 1Cor 1:3-4. I have received great comfort in my affliction. I pray that God will use me to comfort others and I am thankful that I know Him and He knows my heart. His Holy Spirit groans for me in my "weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we should, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words;" Rom 8:26.
I still can't believe that Grandpa is gone too sometimes. It has been the most emotional summer I've ever had. I am learning so much about grief, God, myself, and people through all of this. I just want to sit and remember you every free moment I get.
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