Guest Blogger-Jonovan

Jonovan had a writing assignment for social studies this month. He wrote the following about his most prized possession.

My prized possession is my Little Big Planet video game. It is important to me because my aunt Candace gave it to me and my brother. My aunt Candace died two years ago. She was nice and funny. My brother plays it with me and we finished all of the levels together. We had a lot of fun playing together. My cousin Aaron and I would play it together and we finished a lot of the levels together. We had a lot of fun playing it together. My family likes to play it together on Friday (family game night). That is why it is important to me and my family. It also helps us remember her because she gave it to us.

I Am Loved

I feel like I am ready to move on a bit. It has been slow going, a slow process to get here, but I feel differently than I did a year ago. Today for the first time ever I feel like I am moving on a little more. I feel like I am telling myself to move on.

At first, it feels traitorous to do so. I love my sister dearly and so deeply. How can I honor her memory if I move on? I think I am starting to reconcile these feelings. I can move along my path of healing a little more each day. I feel joy in life again. I feel like I couldn't imagine feeling for over a year. I am making new changes while still remembering with sorrow and fondness the memories of my sister, grandpa, and grandma.

Today it hit me  as I was writing postcards to all my family, when I got to writing my grandparents, that I am missing a whole set of grandparents. What a different world it is today. I am OK with that. I have new friends to make and people left to love. I have a God who knows me.

Breathing Fresh Air

Lately I feel more like I am growing and changing and breathing fresh air. I feel some sadness lifting and have found some joy. I feel like it is true that "You have turned for me my mourning into dancing;
You have loosed my sackcloth and girded me with gladness." Psalm 30:11.

Praise the Lord! I feel like I have hit a different path than the one I was on, but I had to get through the rocky mountains to see what lies ahead.

A Purple Melancholy

This song has been running through my head for at least a week now. I finally looked up the music video for it and watched. I was pretty surprised at the end of the video because of how my sister died in a car crash last summer. Ironically this song has been speaking to me as it runs through my head. I love the lyrics and music.

I still feel broken hearted. I don't think it will ever heal all the way. My mind runs through the past year back until the day my sister died over and over, back through Grandpa's death and Grandma's death. I know I'll be OK.

Two Hard Days

I have been subconsciously avoiding thinking about today and tomorrow. I did not take tomorrow off even though it will mark one year since you died. I realized yesterday (since I've been avoiding thinking much on it) that most years there will be two days that stick in my mind and remember the day you died. Since it happened on Father's Day, that will always mark that holiday with those memories, as well as the calendar date. I just hadn't given it any thought but it was worth noting to myself for some reason.

Yesterday was hard. I cried a bit thinking about it. I looked over pictures of you when you were little, spent time remembering what you looked like as an adult and how it felt to hug you. I expected today to be harder, but it wasn't. I contemplated today how I am in much the same situation that I was last Father's Day with my kids going crazy and my husband taking them to spend the afternoon outdoors. The only solace for today was that I can never get a call again that my sister is dead since I only had one.

You came to me in a dream again the other night. You were telling me that you got a job in California and I was so excited and told you that this was great because now I can see you more often than once a year. I woke up happy afterward while remembering the dream because in it I didn't know that you were dead. Even if that's all I get now, just to see you in my dreams, I'll take it. I know that I will get to see you and hug you again someday.

Last year at this time we were well on our way to Boise to rush to your kids. I was distraught, crying almost non-stop. I cried and cried and it hurt to cry and I felt like an empty shell of a human. I did not know what to do with myself. It was awful.

Over the past year I know that I have been carried by our great, loving God when I couldn't get through. I have been comforted by the Holy Spirit with a peace that I can not understand at times. I have been redeemed by the blood of the Lamb and it is well with my soul.

By God's mighty hand I have made it through a year without you, which is something I never thought I would have to do for many more decades and never imagined how I would get through. I am not over it yet, and likely will never be, but it is always a delicate balance between grieving too much and not grieving enough. Like Goldilocks, I have to get it just right to make it through. I would like to think that I've learned a little bit about how to comfort others through their grief; things like what to say and what not to say. To listen and offer comfort without having to have the right words or any words to say.

I've learned that through it all the most important verse to me is still this:

Ephesians 4:32

English Standard Version (ESV)

³² Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.

Memories of Grandma

I wanted to write down some memories of my Grandma here to save them. My husband had suggested to me that I publish this blog into a book after one year has passed since you died. I had thought to call it something like "A Year of Grief". In light of Grandpa and Grandma's deaths since you died, it seems ominous to call it that. For now, I will jot down some memories that come to mind about Grandma.

1. I recall that grandma bought me the Sister Act 2 soundtrack because I wanted it badly. I listened to it over and over and loved it. I can still hear my favorite songs from it in my head.

2. Grandma's back rubs! They were the best. We always made sure to get one at her house when we visited. It was one of the highlights of a visit to see her.

3. Sliced apples. Grandma would slice and peel apples for our snacks. I thought it was amazing that she would take the time to do that for us. She loved us dearly.

4. Frozen cheez-its! Another favorite snack at Grandma's house. She kept them in the freezer and they're best that way.

5. Grandma and Grandpa would play tag at the park with us. They were the only grandparents who would.

6. Grandma and Grandpa would take us on trips to places like Scandia, Train Town, state parks, and museums.

7. Green gum. Grandma always kept green gum in her kitchen drawer. Going home with a stick of that gum was the best.

8. Staying the night at Grandma's house meant making the bed a certain way when I woke up. I learned that early.

9. Staying the night at Grandma's house on a holiday meant that I got to make place cards for the meal.

10. I remember Grandma had a coloring book of Tom Sawyer stories. I colored the page where he convinced other kids to paint a fence.

11. One of my favorite books to look at in her house was called "Miss Jaster's Garden". It was about a hedgehog who lived in Miss Jaster's garden and blended in because she inadvertently planted flowers on his back. Miss Jaster eventually discovered the hedgehog and fed and watered him. I love to read about hedgehogs to this day.

12. Toys. Grandma had the best toys to play with. She had Barbies for me to play with, Tinkertoys, Spirograph, a foam and yarn sewing machine, a game with eggs, a fashion designer set, mr. potato head, and so much more.

Give Grandma a Hug for Me

Grandma died last night, just before Mother's Day. Ironically, the first day Dad and our Uncle have to spend without their mother alive is Mother's Day. That was not lost on me today.

My emotions went through a wide range today. At one point I felt a bit sick to my stomach. Three people in my family dead in one year. This seems crazy. Do I want to be angry with God? No. Do I wonder why this has happened? A little bit. I still maintain that deferring to His authority is obedience and what He requires from me.

Lamentations 3:22-23

New American Standard Bible (NASB)

²² The Lord’s lovingkindnesses ^[a]indeed never cease,
For His compassions never fail.
²³ They are new every morning;
Great is Your faithfulness.

I am still comforted with a peace that passes understanding. I know that my God is in control and He cares deeply for each of His people. He knows each hurt and I do not have to worry about myself or worry about tomorrow.

I realized a while ago that I could count the time since you died in boxes of cookies and donuts and it had to stop.

Where I am now

I have been doing OK lately. I did have a dream about a month ago that I was laughing and happy about in the morning. I had seen you in my dream and then I realized that I was dreaming of you. Suddenly I grabbed you and told you, "You're dead! Come here and hug me!" I knew that you are dead and that the only chance I had for a hug was right there in my dream.

It has now been 9 months. Sometimes lately I am still feeling sad and I miss you. This time of year is difficult because it's around your birthday and Easter. Since your birthday is always around Easter I guess I associated your birthday with the holiday. Seeing the candy and decorations in the store made me sad.

Every so often I relive the day you died, the moment I found out, and the following chaos and sorrow. It's like a horrible dream, something that happens in the news to other people, but it happened to us.

Someone at work just had their daughter arrive in town for a surprise visit. I used to love when you would do that, just showing up and there was so much excitement and joy in those times. I've never planned a surprise visit before to see Mom and Dad but it might be worth it. I always let them know beforehand. Seeing their reactions over Skype is all I usually need.

The days are long and the years are short. It will be that way until the end of time. I miss you. I love you.

Today I had time to sit and think for a bit, and the thought came across my mind that you will never see 2014 on this earth. That's strange to me. If you take the two people in the world closest to you, and imagine what life looks like without one of them in it, it's a harsh reality.

I still can't wallow in my misery of throw myself a pity-party. Worse things have happened to people. This isn't the first time this has happened. I just never imagined life on my own so to speak.

I went back through my birthday cards from last year, after you died, and there was an absence of one with your handwriting for sure. I always looked forward to getting your cards.

Tonight I imagined playing a game from an app on my phone with you. It would be so fun to share it with you. The world is a very different place for me now. Sometimes it's even more confusing than it was before.

I listened to some of the Beth Moore live feed from Passion 2014 today. You would have loved listening to that too. We could have discussed the message together. Instead, I wrote about it in my prayer journal.

I find myself tonight oddly thinking that I can't wait until this is all over. It's more of a subconscious thought, because I really do enjoy life and the hopes we shared for the future even if they're not with you any more. It's like now I'm just waiting until we can be together again and there's this gap in time until I get there.

Refusing Sadness

Tonight I am fighting it. My body feels sad but my brain is fighting against it. I don't want to be sad. I have some preconceived notion that 8 months is far too late to be crying and sad about it. I know that it would feel better to just cry and get it out and over with, yet I still fight it. Such conflict.

The other night I woke up in a good mood. I had a dream with you in it, only it was quite odd. You lived alone, no mention of your children or husband in my dream. That is where you are right now, so I guess it was fitting. It didn't strike me as odd until I woke up, but the dream was happy. My husband and kids and I were all staying at your place, and you had several rooms in your house. I was trying to convince Mom and Dad to stay at the house too so we could all be together.

Greater Reality

I was reminded this morning of the plans we had begun to make about a year ago. Planning with you was so much fun, whether or not it came to fruition. I just loved being such a part of your life and dreams.

I think it was around a year ago when you approached me about sending my kids with you to stay the summer. I was excited and hesitant at the same time. We planned and had things working out. It would have been so much fun: the library, the waterpark, theme park. I wish it had happened the way we planned but God directs our paths in the end, despite all of our plans. It is obedient to go along with his plans, and that is what I have tried to do ever since they got cut short.

Passing time has allowed us to change to how things are different now. We are still sad to have such a beautiful part of our lives vanish, but we are growing with the changes. I don't think I have anger left. I did at first. I said it was so stupid that this happened. It felt so pointless and knowing that I won't know why was frustrating. Then I felt like acceptance was obedience and what God wanted, so I did that. I am comforted when I feel that God knows my pain and he hurts for me.

Some things felt too taboo even to write in an anonymous blog. I remember being so caught up in my sorrow and grief that I couldn't see much else. I was thinking that I would look forward to seeing my sister again, and then I was challenged by the idea that I would rather see my sister than Jesus. I knew I had allowed myself a little too much obsession with my grief. God helped me through that and I no longer feel that way, nor do I feel ashamed at having had those thoughts. I have learned that grief causes reactions in people that would otherwise never happen.

I have to work on being patient with people while they are grieving and with people who do not understand grieving. I am still a relatively quiet, introspective person who is usually slow to speak for fear of saying the wrong thing. It can be a good quality sometimes and sometimes causes me to not say anything at all when perhaps I should.

The fog lifts a little more each day; I can see more of the bigger picture, and it is amazing. I pray that I can live out the word and comfort those with the comfort I have received. I do not understand it all, but I do not need to understand it all to live.

Now, this chapter came to mind this morning as I was waking. What a reminder:

The Excellence of Love

1 Corinthians 13

If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but do not have love, I have become a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. ² If I have the gift of prophecy, and know all mysteries and all knowledge; and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. ³ And if I give all my possessions to feed the poor, and if I surrender my body ^[a]to be burned, but do not have love, it profits me nothing.

⁴ Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, ⁵ does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, ⁶ does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; ^7 [b]bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
⁸ Love never fails; but if there are gifts of ^[c]prophecy, they will be done away; if there are tongues, they will cease; if there is knowledge, it will be done away. ⁹ For we know in part and we prophesy in part; ¹⁰ but when the perfect comes, the partial will be done away. ¹¹ When I was a child, I used to speak like a child, think like a child, reason like a child; when I ^[d]became a man, I did away with childish things. ¹² For now we see in a mirror ^[e]dimly, but then face to face; now I know in part, but then I will know fully just as I also have been fully known. ¹³ But now faith, hope, love, abide these three; but the ^[f]greatest of these is love.

Happy Dreams

Last night I was able to dream of you again.  I am kind of hopeless in that all I have left is hoping you can be alive in my dreams.  I love it when you are still there in my dreams.  I was looking at you and you had on this Lia Sophia necklace and earrings set that I have been looking at on ebay.  How sad is it that I woke up so happy that you were alive in my dream.  I think later on while I was sleeping I knew that you were dead, but I am still glad that I can get those glimpses of you, even if they are all my own imagination now.  It's all that I have left.

The more time passes, the greater the distance my memory has to travel to remember how you smelled, laughed, sounded, smiled, and loved.

Even with Grandpa, it all seemed to happen so quickly.  He would have been 80 last week, and I can still hear him telling me a story and the way he used to chuckle while he told a joke or funny story.  He always made me smile and he had such great hugs.  I remember getting a hug from him every time I left his house.  He and grandma would chase us through the playground playing tag, something no other grandparent would do.

I feel like lately I can see more clearly than I did before.  It has been 7 months since that awful day.

Lord, Direct My Steps

Proverbs 16:9

The mind of man plans his way,
But the Lord directs his steps.

This verse came to mind this morning as I was going back through the childcare expenses for 2013.  I am at a place where I can look back through the story of what happened and not be despondent about life, so that is something to be thankful for.

The summer began with plans all set.  I had purchased additional childcare in the weeks before you died to account for your arrival on Monday instead of Sunday.  I ended up getting a refund for what I had paid for Monday's childcare, and then I also had to rearrange childcare for the summer since those plans had changed.  Oddly enough, I enjoy doing our taxes each year, especially in years when we have been owed a refund and not had to pay taxes.

We can make so many plans and they can be changed forever in seconds.  I never was one to count on anything until I could see or feel it, but this whole journey still took my by surprise.  It has shaped me and changed me.