Happy Dreams

Last night I was able to dream of you again.  I am kind of hopeless in that all I have left is hoping you can be alive in my dreams.  I love it when you are still there in my dreams.  I was looking at you and you had on this Lia Sophia necklace and earrings set that I have been looking at on ebay.  How sad is it that I woke up so happy that you were alive in my dream.  I think later on while I was sleeping I knew that you were dead, but I am still glad that I can get those glimpses of you, even if they are all my own imagination now.  It's all that I have left.

The more time passes, the greater the distance my memory has to travel to remember how you smelled, laughed, sounded, smiled, and loved.

Even with Grandpa, it all seemed to happen so quickly.  He would have been 80 last week, and I can still hear him telling me a story and the way he used to chuckle while he told a joke or funny story.  He always made me smile and he had such great hugs.  I remember getting a hug from him every time I left his house.  He and grandma would chase us through the playground playing tag, something no other grandparent would do.

I feel like lately I can see more clearly than I did before.  It has been 7 months since that awful day.

Lord, Direct My Steps

Proverbs 16:9

The mind of man plans his way,
But the Lord directs his steps.

This verse came to mind this morning as I was going back through the childcare expenses for 2013.  I am at a place where I can look back through the story of what happened and not be despondent about life, so that is something to be thankful for.

The summer began with plans all set.  I had purchased additional childcare in the weeks before you died to account for your arrival on Monday instead of Sunday.  I ended up getting a refund for what I had paid for Monday's childcare, and then I also had to rearrange childcare for the summer since those plans had changed.  Oddly enough, I enjoy doing our taxes each year, especially in years when we have been owed a refund and not had to pay taxes.

We can make so many plans and they can be changed forever in seconds.  I never was one to count on anything until I could see or feel it, but this whole journey still took my by surprise.  It has shaped me and changed me.