Two Hard Days

I have been subconsciously avoiding thinking about today and tomorrow. I did not take tomorrow off even though it will mark one year since you died. I realized yesterday (since I've been avoiding thinking much on it) that most years there will be two days that stick in my mind and remember the day you died. Since it happened on Father's Day, that will always mark that holiday with those memories, as well as the calendar date. I just hadn't given it any thought but it was worth noting to myself for some reason.

Yesterday was hard. I cried a bit thinking about it. I looked over pictures of you when you were little, spent time remembering what you looked like as an adult and how it felt to hug you. I expected today to be harder, but it wasn't. I contemplated today how I am in much the same situation that I was last Father's Day with my kids going crazy and my husband taking them to spend the afternoon outdoors. The only solace for today was that I can never get a call again that my sister is dead since I only had one.

You came to me in a dream again the other night. You were telling me that you got a job in California and I was so excited and told you that this was great because now I can see you more often than once a year. I woke up happy afterward while remembering the dream because in it I didn't know that you were dead. Even if that's all I get now, just to see you in my dreams, I'll take it. I know that I will get to see you and hug you again someday.

Last year at this time we were well on our way to Boise to rush to your kids. I was distraught, crying almost non-stop. I cried and cried and it hurt to cry and I felt like an empty shell of a human. I did not know what to do with myself. It was awful.

Over the past year I know that I have been carried by our great, loving God when I couldn't get through. I have been comforted by the Holy Spirit with a peace that I can not understand at times. I have been redeemed by the blood of the Lamb and it is well with my soul.

By God's mighty hand I have made it through a year without you, which is something I never thought I would have to do for many more decades and never imagined how I would get through. I am not over it yet, and likely will never be, but it is always a delicate balance between grieving too much and not grieving enough. Like Goldilocks, I have to get it just right to make it through. I would like to think that I've learned a little bit about how to comfort others through their grief; things like what to say and what not to say. To listen and offer comfort without having to have the right words or any words to say.

I've learned that through it all the most important verse to me is still this:

Ephesians 4:32

English Standard Version (ESV)

³² Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.