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Wednesday, July 31, 2013
Missing You Everywhere
facebook
April 26
7:49 AM Candace: hey you there?
| 7 minutes |
7:57 AM me: Yes
7:58 AM Candace:
Just saw you and wanted to say Hi :) I did get your text the other
day, but I was going to talk to you about it when we both can talk lol.
Hows your week been going?
7:59 AM me: Busy. Got the boys' passes to water country
8:01 AM Candace: Sweet :) I'm so excited to take them!
I can't believe I get to see you in 2 months!
8:02 AM Mom and dad are trying to get some time off to spend with the boys and you guys while you're here :)
me: Yes!
Candace: Are you working today?
8:06 AM I'm
thinking you are, so I'll let you go :) But maybe we'll get to talk
this weekend? We have a garage sale til 1 tomorrow so I probably can't
talk til after that, but I'll try to give you a call, or you can call me
too :) Love you!
Tuesday, July 30, 2013
Candace = Donkey + Potatoes + Love
Gosh I still miss you so much. I guess that won't end any time soon under the current circumstances.
Today I received a gift that you had been bringing me. It was in your car when it crashed on the way here. I am so grateful for it. I wrapped it around myself tonight and imagined it was a big hug from you. That made me happy.
Life goes on without you even though I want it to stop for you. I want to tell every person I see about you but I feel like the strangers just don't know what to say and want me to shut up. They don't need to say anything at all. I am just as pleased when they sit and listen. People don't understand the importance of listening. I just live inside this little brain of mine with you. We don't need the rest of the world. We never did.
Today I received a gift that you had been bringing me. It was in your car when it crashed on the way here. I am so grateful for it. I wrapped it around myself tonight and imagined it was a big hug from you. That made me happy.
Life goes on without you even though I want it to stop for you. I want to tell every person I see about you but I feel like the strangers just don't know what to say and want me to shut up. They don't need to say anything at all. I am just as pleased when they sit and listen. People don't understand the importance of listening. I just live inside this little brain of mine with you. We don't need the rest of the world. We never did.
Thursday, July 18, 2013
The LORD Has Taken Away
He said, "Naked I came from my mother's womb, And naked I shall return
there. The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away. Blessed be the name of
the LORD."
Still Getting Used to This
Today somebody whose name starts with your same letter and shares a letter in the middle with you texted me. When the name came up on my phone, I instantly got the same feeling I had for years when I got one of your texts. For a split second I wondered what you wanted to tell me or ask me. So many times you would just text to say hi.
A few days ago marked one month since you died. That did not go by without my remembering. I will always go back to that moment I learned you were gone and life changed so dramatically. I screamed and asked God why. I said "that's my sister!" and could not understand. I still do not understand.
I cried off and on but it felt like I was crying non-stop. I cried in the shower. My kids and almost every stranger saw me so distressed. We drove like mad people to get your kids who had been left without you in a state they didn't know surrounded by strangers. I couldn't get to them fast enough. I tried my best to love them as much as I could and hug them and comfort them. I let them know that it is OK to be sad and to grieve and to be angry or bargain. I can't wait to see them again. They have to live like few of us have to, like you and I never had to.
I am realizing just how much I thought of you when you were alive. I am constantly reminded of you. I think people are a little uncomfortable when I mention you now. I will respond with "my sister used to do that", or "my sister and I used to do that", or "my sister..."; you get the point. I think people expect me to break down when I speak of you. I don't. I love remembering you. It has made me realize how often I always thought of you before. It is second nature to think of you and how you fit into my life.
I'm sad today. I still don't understand why you had to go. I never will. That's OK. We will see each other again someday. God holds me in His hands and strengthens me. He is teaching me and healing me slowly. He is the one blessed assurance we have in this life.
I should get back into my prayer journal. I just checked it, empty on the day you died, and the verse is very poignant: "Many are the afflictions of the righteous: but the LORD delivereth him out of them all." Psalm 34:19.
A few days ago marked one month since you died. That did not go by without my remembering. I will always go back to that moment I learned you were gone and life changed so dramatically. I screamed and asked God why. I said "that's my sister!" and could not understand. I still do not understand.
I cried off and on but it felt like I was crying non-stop. I cried in the shower. My kids and almost every stranger saw me so distressed. We drove like mad people to get your kids who had been left without you in a state they didn't know surrounded by strangers. I couldn't get to them fast enough. I tried my best to love them as much as I could and hug them and comfort them. I let them know that it is OK to be sad and to grieve and to be angry or bargain. I can't wait to see them again. They have to live like few of us have to, like you and I never had to.
I am realizing just how much I thought of you when you were alive. I am constantly reminded of you. I think people are a little uncomfortable when I mention you now. I will respond with "my sister used to do that", or "my sister and I used to do that", or "my sister..."; you get the point. I think people expect me to break down when I speak of you. I don't. I love remembering you. It has made me realize how often I always thought of you before. It is second nature to think of you and how you fit into my life.
I'm sad today. I still don't understand why you had to go. I never will. That's OK. We will see each other again someday. God holds me in His hands and strengthens me. He is teaching me and healing me slowly. He is the one blessed assurance we have in this life.
I should get back into my prayer journal. I just checked it, empty on the day you died, and the verse is very poignant: "Many are the afflictions of the righteous: but the LORD delivereth him out of them all." Psalm 34:19.
Saturday, July 13, 2013
Psalm 30:11
I wanted to remind myself of this verse again. I want this to be my hope:
You have turned for me my mourning into dancing; You have loosed my sackcloth and girded me with gladness Psalm 30:11
You have turned for me my mourning into dancing; You have loosed my sackcloth and girded me with gladness Psalm 30:11
Another Adventure
We used to always try to plan a cruise together. I wish we had been able to do that just once, but it never happened.
Last night I dreamed that you and I and our kids were on a trip. Part of the trip was getting off of our small boat and swimming to shore. It took us 20 minutes in my dream, and on the way we passed a carnival cruise ship.
We got to shore and we were in Spain. I followed you to some place that was like a homeless encampment with tents in the brush. We left our oldest kids somewhere on the way to this tent and you went back to get them. I was following you back because you hadn't returned in a while. Along the way back I woke up. I never found you.
I laughed about that dream. I think I will try to get a cruise trip going in your memory.
Last night I dreamed that you and I and our kids were on a trip. Part of the trip was getting off of our small boat and swimming to shore. It took us 20 minutes in my dream, and on the way we passed a carnival cruise ship.
We got to shore and we were in Spain. I followed you to some place that was like a homeless encampment with tents in the brush. We left our oldest kids somewhere on the way to this tent and you went back to get them. I was following you back because you hadn't returned in a while. Along the way back I woke up. I never found you.
I laughed about that dream. I think I will try to get a cruise trip going in your memory.
Thursday, July 11, 2013
Dog Bite
I remember when we were so little; I must have been 3 or 4 and you were around 5 or 6 I guess. You had gotten too close to a mama dog on the ranch and been bitten on the cheek by her. I remember all the adults running around frantic and stressed because you had been bit. I remember the drama of it all and it's one of my earliest memories in life. I remember that you had a scar there for a few years but it was pretty well gone by the time you grew up.
I can still picture the way you used to look at me when you would talk, saying something exciting, something funny, trying to push my buttons in a good-natured way. I hope I can always recall these memories so easily. I am afraid of losing them over time.
Almost everything reminds me of you. I can find a way to involve your memory into almost any conversation. I think it must be bugging people at work by now but I think they also expect me to break down when I talk about you. I love talking about you, whether or not I have to cry about it. You were so wonderful and it's just so wonderful to remember you joyfully and sorrowfully.
I can still picture the way you used to look at me when you would talk, saying something exciting, something funny, trying to push my buttons in a good-natured way. I hope I can always recall these memories so easily. I am afraid of losing them over time.
Almost everything reminds me of you. I can find a way to involve your memory into almost any conversation. I think it must be bugging people at work by now but I think they also expect me to break down when I talk about you. I love talking about you, whether or not I have to cry about it. You were so wonderful and it's just so wonderful to remember you joyfully and sorrowfully.
I can't believe you're gone. I keep thinking strange things, like how you would be so upset about this. This feels like such a bad dream. On the one hand I know that this is reality. It is just so difficult to think of the future without you in it. You're there with me every step of the way. I go to sleep thinking of you and I wake up thinking of you. This is something I need you to go through with me but you can't.
Today's not really a very bad day. I cried the other night in my sorrow. I think it had been too many days since I last cried. I just don't know what to do with my life.
Today's not really a very bad day. I cried the other night in my sorrow. I think it had been too many days since I last cried. I just don't know what to do with my life.
Friday, July 5, 2013
Las Vegas
I loved when you moved to Las Vegas because then you were only a long car drive away. I helped you move into your first place there and we painted almost the whole house at first. I took a train and a bus to get there. It was so worth it just to spend time with you.
One time when we visited you there a robbery happened on the base shortly after we left the base to go to a museum. It was an interesting base since it backed right up to civilian housing.
I remember one time I went with you to one of your spouse club meetings while I was visiting and when we left they had closed down all the exits we tried to leave to get back to your house. I think your husband had to walk us through (on the phone) which way to drive to get back to the other side of the base. I remember us laughing about it afterward.
One time when we visited you there a robbery happened on the base shortly after we left the base to go to a museum. It was an interesting base since it backed right up to civilian housing.
I remember one time I went with you to one of your spouse club meetings while I was visiting and when we left they had closed down all the exits we tried to leave to get back to your house. I think your husband had to walk us through (on the phone) which way to drive to get back to the other side of the base. I remember us laughing about it afterward.
Beach
Even though we didn't live in the same state for the past decade, every time we were together it was a vacation so that was fun and meant lots of time and trips together.
Thursday, July 4, 2013
Andrae Crouch *Soon And Very Soon* "Live"
Candace and I loved to listen to Andrae Crouch. We grew up with our parents listening to it. This song came to mind when I thought about her funeral.
I am loved by a great and mighty God who holds me in his hands. He knows my hurt and pain. He is my comfort and my strength. I know that soon and very soon we are going to see the one true King.
Wednesday, July 3, 2013
Memories of the Future
Remember when we used to say that we were going to grow old together like Nanna and Georgie? We would plan to live together in a retirement home and be little old ladies together. I am sad about not getting to do that with you. We would have loved it.
I don't know why this was God's plan, but I know better than to question His judgment. His ways are better than our ways, no matter how much better our ways seem or how we don't understand the reasoning behind what happened. It still hurts to miss you.
I have to figure out how to change my cell phone because your house phone comes up as just your name on my cell. I had been OK with it since you died as long as I was clear-minded when somebody from your house called. Today I was doing something else and for a split second when I saw your name I forgot and thought you were calling me. It hurts to feel that. Today I need God's strength.
I also remembered something that made me smile and laugh a little. You wrote a book in elementary school called "My Sister the Dog". I was so offended about it for years, but it really is a funny book. We laughed about it as adults. I hope your husband still has it. I would love to read it again.
I don't know why this was God's plan, but I know better than to question His judgment. His ways are better than our ways, no matter how much better our ways seem or how we don't understand the reasoning behind what happened. It still hurts to miss you.
I have to figure out how to change my cell phone because your house phone comes up as just your name on my cell. I had been OK with it since you died as long as I was clear-minded when somebody from your house called. Today I was doing something else and for a split second when I saw your name I forgot and thought you were calling me. It hurts to feel that. Today I need God's strength.
I also remembered something that made me smile and laugh a little. You wrote a book in elementary school called "My Sister the Dog". I was so offended about it for years, but it really is a funny book. We laughed about it as adults. I hope your husband still has it. I would love to read it again.
Strong Enough - Matthew West - Worship Video with lyrics
This came on the radio tonight at a time when I was feeling sad. It gives me peace to know where my strength comes from.
"I can do all things through Him who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13
"I lift up my eyes to the hills.
From where does my help come?
My help comes from the Lord,
who made heaven and earth." Psalm 121:1-2
From where does my help come?
My help comes from the Lord,
who made heaven and earth." Psalm 121:1-2
"I can do all things through Him who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13
Massage
I am so glad I had the chance to treat you to a massage for your birthday last year. It might have been the year before because I can get them mixed up, but it's no matter, really. I remember how fun it was to go in to the spa together and that you fell asleep during the massage because it was so relaxing. I wished I had been able to fall asleep like you did. Then we had those facials with goopy stuff that we kept finding on our chins afterward.
I remember other times of going with you to get our hair cut or nails done. That was something we always loved to do together. We made sure to get pedicures when I visited you in Florida. I think you were pregnant then.
I remember other times of going with you to get our hair cut or nails done. That was something we always loved to do together. We made sure to get pedicures when I visited you in Florida. I think you were pregnant then.
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