Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. Matthew 5:4

I was just reminded of this verse. It holds so much promise for me tonight. I have been reading my own blog and found comfort in the words that God has given me to write.

This Christmas is going to be happy and sad.  Christmas has always been my favorite holiday.  One of my favorite Christmas memories is of you hiding behind a chair because you were in labor and you didn't want to go to the hospital. I remember laughing at you because I was not always kind in my youth.  Your son was born the next morning and I got to be there in the hospital the whole time.  I was young but I loved you fiercely and wouldn't have been anywhere else.

I feel as though I have been lifted partway out of a fog that I was sitting under for the past 6 months.  I was so focused on the immediate concerns that I could not see the future.

Guest Post

This one was written by my son for a school assignment.

Aunt Candace

My Aunt Candace was awesome. She would play games with me. We went to visit her when I was little. They lived in Nevada. I played with my cousin Aaron. We would play his xbox 360. Then they moved to Virginia. We went there to visit them a couple times. That was fun.

She was coming from Virginia to Oregon by car. She was in Idaho and then a car was over the passing lane a little bit and hit her car. Then she died but Aaron and Leila and the dog were barely hurt. We went to Idaho to check on them. We spent a lot of time with them there. Then we went back home. She died on Father’s Day. I wrote about her because she was amazing and wonderful.

6 months of grief

I am about to mark the date that is 6 months after my sister died in a car crash.  I feel like I am doing better as time goes by. It still hurts and it always will.

Sister Memories

I found this picture behind my dresser last night.  It had fallen there about a year ago I think.  It's another gift from my sister.  She was so wonderful.

I had a dream with her in it again last night.  I was focused on remembering the way she walked and her mannerisms.

Glimpses of Joy

Every so often I can feel some bits of warmth and joy returning.  I can have a genuine smile.  That nagging grief does creep back up and guilt tells me that I should not feel joy yet.

I remembered something that made me laugh again this morning.  We had gone to this one hair cutting shop back in Napa while we were visiting.  The woman did your hair in quite a strange hairstyle and we both had a laugh about that.  I sat and watched her style your hair wondering what on earth she was doing and what you would think of it.  Oh, what I wouldn't give to laugh with you once again.

I remember how one of our favorite things to do together was eat the small Reese's peanut butter cups.  We surely would have bought some if you had finished the trip to visit me.

Crying in My Sleep

Last night is the first time I remember crying about you in my dreams.  I was sitting across from a little girl who had some travel documents stamped "orphan" on them.  She was sitting with a couple who was explaining to me that her parents had died and she was an orphan.  I was trying to tell them or anybody around me that my sister had died and her daughter does not have a mother either.  I wanted to tell this to the little girl too.  I don't remember if I got to do that, but then I remember sitting across from her and crying because my sister is dead.  I felt the sadness and pain as if I was crying while awake.  I woke up wondering if I had actually cried in my sleep.

Even 4 months later, it can still feel like a bizarre nightmare sometimes.  It just seems so crazy that this really has happened and this is what life will be like form now on.  It's such a huge change in life.

I had a great phone conversation with your husband the other day.  We are all still figuring out communication with each other now that you're gone because it's different.  I'm not overwhelmingly sad, I'm mostly just a dry, hollow kind of sad that doesn't cry.  Sometimes I still cry.  There are still sad feelings to be had.  Life will (and does) have many more happy feelings.  Getting through these sad ones takes time.

I remember one crazy story from when we were little.  I can't remember the exact details, so I will have to ask Mom or Dad because they would remember.  I think Dad was driving his truck with you and me in it.  You were not buckled, because it was the early 80s, and you fell out and rolled down the hill we were driving on.  That's how I remember it anyway.  It might not be very accurate.

When I sit and think of you, I can hear you talking to me, calling me by my middle name, which I always hated to be called by, and I can hear your voice answering the phone or leaving me a phone message.  You used to always start the same way, "Hey! It's me."  You never had to say who you were.  I really miss that so much.

Something Profound

I wish I had more time to write here.  I often think of things I want to write here, ways I'm dealing with my grief and sorrow.  I wish I had something profound to share.  It always feels good to get them out of my mind and written down.  If I worked less hours I might have the time to write more often.

Today I was thinking of the concert we saw Friday night and I thought of what I would say to you about it and what you would say back to me.  It feels sad that I have conversations with you in my mind all on my own because I can't speak to you in person.  It feels like I am trapped in a world of solitude.  Slowly I think I get more used to it and it feels more normal some days to just live without you.

Four Months Later

It had been four months since you died. I am getting a little used to the silence that occupies my life without you. It's isolating. Once again, I'm tired. I work too much and sleep too little. I think bizarre thoughts like what were you thinking of right before you died.

We all grieve in our own way. I want us to all do it the same and that can be frustrating because one person wants to put it off until later and then break down, when I've already done it so often and am at a different part of my grief journey. It's isolating not being able to share the grief with the others affected by the same loss.

Dwelling in the House of the Lord Forever

I saw a sweet video tonight in which a little girl, probably 3 or 4, recited the 23rd psalm. The end states "and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever". It occurred to me that you are there right now.

I've been writing in my prayer journal again lately. It's the best thing I can do.

I'm so sad and I'm OK

Tonight I am sad again. I keep getting asked when I am going to grief share, as if it's some kind of check box that I must do. Candace would agree that it's silly to assume that every person needs the same thing. I am OK. I am sad. It's possible to be both at the same time. Just because I'm sad does not mean that something is wrong with me or that I am not OK. People really don't understand this grieving thing. We all go about it in our own way. We have to.

I know that I will still be sad and miss my sister 20 years from now. That is how it must be. I am not afraid to be sad. I just wish everybody else was not afraid of it either. I wish people could be comfortable sharing and listening and letting others cry. It's healing.

Tonight I got a gift that is a locket. It has a diamond shape to represent my sister's birthstone, a heart with the word "sister" on it, a cross, and the background says "always". I want to wear it each and every day and tell everybody who asks about it my life story, but I know that's just my dream and reality will look different.

Happy and Sad Together

I have decided that for my personal grieving process, I need to allow myself to feel both happy and sad about the memories and thoughts that I have. If I just try to focus on the happy, and push the sad feelings aside, they will still have to be dealt with. They will manifest in some way that is less than desirable. I will just feel sad and get it over with, kind of like holding on to a lie or secret that needs to be told. It just needs to be dealt with and get it over in the moment. Then I don't have to try to keep squashing it down. That is how I am doing so well through all of this because that is what my God has taught me to do.

Ephesians 3:20-21

New American Standard Bible (NASB)

²⁰ Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us, ²¹ to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus to all generations ^[a]forever and ever. Amen.

Dreamy Appearance

You showed up in my dream last night. I can't remember the exact sequence of events in the dream, but I remember thinking that you had come back to us. Your family was there and my family was there. Eventually in my dream it ended up that your husband had a room all to himself so I guess you were gone in my dream too.

You Were So Sad

Tonight might be a little messy. I have felt like crying a few times today.

Today a flood of memory and sorrow overcame me when I remembered how you told me that you were moving to Japan for a few years. You were so sad and I told you that it was the same distance to me as our coast to coast distance. I did not understand your sorrow. I made eager plans to visit you every year in Japan, which was about the same frequency that I got to see you when you lived across the country from me.

I remember your words to me on that phone call. You said, "I am so glad that I get to spend time with the boys this summer." I thought for sure you were going to tell me that you had a terminal illness by the wavering and tears in your voice. "Because we got stationed in Japan for a few years." I felt a sense of excitement and relief. I would still get to see you and go visit you. How could you have known what the future held? How could I?

You were the only person on the earth that I would let take my boys for a month. Now I wish I could have your kids for the summer.

I go back over and over to the feeling of anticipation and excitement and planning that I had the day you died. I was so looking forward to it and I know that you were too. Just one hug from you. That's all I want tonight and I can't have it. I will have to wait what feels like so long for it. It's so lonely. I could cry right now but instead I will wrap myself up in your blanket and remember your warmth and love. Besides, if I cry and one of my kids wakes up, he will come hug me and try to comfort me like they have so many other times this summer.

I caught myself yesterday at work talking about "my sister's dog". I guess she will always be your dog but it stung me a little to say it for some reason. It's like now she's not your dog, she just belongs to your husband and kids.

Last Sunday in church I almost lost it again. I don't know what it is about worshiping but it gets me almost every time. The words seem to cut my soul sometimes. Words of hope, healing, and love tear at my raw heart because I know that they are true but that I am so sad at the same time. Last Sunday I remembered one Sunday at my church when I closed my eyes and felt like the beautiful voices worshiping God surrounding me were angel's voices. That Sunday a while ago I had thought I had a glimpse of heaven. I then realized that you already know about all of that. For some reason that struck me and I could no longer focus.

I am sure that my words sound much more dramatic than I really am. I still love to talk about you. Tomorrow I get to meet with another woman whose sister died a short time ago. I am reminded of the comfort I have received and the words of this verse came to mind as well so I looked up the exact verse: "Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God." 1Cor 1:3-4. I have received great comfort in my affliction. I pray that God will use me to comfort others and I am thankful that I know Him and He knows my heart. His Holy Spirit groans for me in my "weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we should, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words;" Rom 8:26.

I still can't believe that Grandpa is gone too sometimes. It has been the most emotional summer I've ever had. I am learning so much about grief, God, myself, and people through all of this. I just want to sit and remember you every free moment I get.

Grief Journey

I have noticed something lately: I no longer feel like I can hardly breathe. For a while I felt that way. Now I just feel very alone sometimes, as if I could scream and nobody would even hear me. It's like I'm all alone sometimes but it oddly feels better than the "I can't breathe, I want out of here and I don't know where to go" feeling that I had before.

Your wedding anniversary was yesterday. I've been married longer than you ever will be. That makes me sad.

The book "A Grief Observed" has been very helpful to me in reassuring my feelings and the pain and joyful memories. I will recommend it to anybody who is grieving.

A Grief Observed

What can I say? Grandpa died a few weeks ago. I wish you were here so we could talk about it, but you knew it before I did even though I was right in another room in the house when he died. I fell like I am doing much better than I was. I just feel deep sorrow and grief now. I am still being comforted by the Holy Spirit. I still hear from God. The day grandpa died, after I got in my car to drive back to where I was staying, the chorus of a song came on and it was God speaking to me. The chorus sang "This is where the healing begins". It was an emotional day for me and I had grief from both deaths mixed together and impossible to untangle.

Grandpa's funeral was wonderful and sad all together. I got really sad because it was so difficult to separate the two funerals less than two months apart and your death still shocks me sometimes.

You would have loved Grandpa's funeral, especially the military one since you loved being a military wife. I took a video of his military honors funeral. It was moving.

The other day I was at the grocery store and saw a woman talking on her cell phone. I almost began to cry right there in the grocery store because I wished I could just call you up like that, like I used to.

How can an introvert like me find a friend like you again? I pray that God will show me a friend.

I was cleaning out my car tonight and I found some items from our abrupt trip to meet your kids the day of the crash. I wrote over the letters to the city at least three times. I can see that the writing was very shaky. I could barely write it. I wrote "ER" at least twice, one on top of the other.

I haven't really wanted to clean out my car yet and be reminded of the trip but today it had to be done. It can't stay that way forever.

Grief

“We were promised sufferings. They were part of the program. We were even told, 'Blessed are they that mourn,' and I accept it. I've got nothing that I hadn't bargained for. Of curse it is different when the thing happens to oneself, not to others, and in reality, not imagination.” C.S. Lewis

Holy Spirit, Comfort Us

John 14:26-27 But the Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, he will teach you all things and bring to your remembrance all that I have said to you. Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.

Go Ahead

Today I'm telling myself that it's OK to miss you a lot. I don't need people telling me how to feel. It's not that anybody is telling me that, but I have fielded just a few insensitive comments that I should forgive because they still sting.

I am going to go ahead and miss you today. I miss getting to talk with you. There is nobody who can take your place. A best friend sister is a once in a lifetime thing that we had for a little over a decade. I don't have any other sister or best friend. This just hurts sometimes. I try not to wallow in self-pity since I know that other people have it much worse, and it could have been worse than it is. Some days are just more difficult than others.

I want to fill you in on the latest updates but they're only important here where life goes on. Some days it's as if you just disappeared. I am trying my best to reach out and build relationships with people because that's what the future is now. Sometimes I think I'm still in shock at the reality of it. I still imagine what it would have been like if you had made it all the way to my house. I just want you here and I don't think that's wrong because I'm human and God allows us to grieve and cry. He made us with emotions and feelings.

All in all, I think I'm doing pretty well to have lost one of the two people closest to me in this world. That's half of the earth to an introvert like myself. I can only build deep relationships and a large quantity of shallow relationships does not work for me at all. I'm praying that God will fill this chasm somehow. I struggle with feeling alone in shallow friendships. Some days they help me get by but I am at a loss in how to deepen them. I pray that God will enable me to do that.

Sweet silence

Here I am all alone in the sweet silence. Lord, gird me with gladness that comes from you, a gladness that I can't understand. I'm weary and there is still work to be done, still many bills to be paid.

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Missing You Everywhere

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Candace posted on your Wall. "Hellooooooo! I love you my sister :) I hope you're having a great week!" View This Wall Post Reply to this email to comment on this Wall post

April 26

7:49 AM Candace: hey you there?

7 minutes

7:57 AM me: Yes

7:58 AM Candace: Just saw you and wanted to say Hi :) I did get your text the other day, but I was going to talk to you about it when we both can talk lol. Hows your week been going?

7:59 AM me: Busy. Got the boys' passes to water country

8:01 AM Candace: Sweet :) I'm so excited to take them!

  I can't believe I get to see you in 2 months!

8:02 AM Mom and dad are trying to get some time off to spend with the boys and you guys while you're here :)

 me: Yes!

 Candace: Are you working today?

8:06 AM I'm thinking you are, so I'll let you go :) But maybe we'll get to talk this weekend? We have a garage sale til 1 tomorrow so I probably can't talk til after that, but I'll try to give you a call, or you can call me too :) Love you!

Candace = Donkey + Potatoes + Love

Gosh I still miss you so much. I guess that won't end any time soon under the current circumstances.

Today I received a gift that you had been bringing me. It was in your car when it crashed on the way here. I am so grateful for it. I wrapped it around myself tonight and imagined it was a big hug from you. That made me happy.

Life goes on without you even though I want it to stop for you. I want to tell every person I see about you but I feel like the strangers just don't know what to say and want me to shut up. They don't need to say anything at all. I am just as pleased when they sit and listen. People don't understand the importance of listening. I just live inside this little brain of mine with you. We don't need the rest of the world. We never did.

The LORD Has Taken Away

He said, "Naked I came from my mother's womb, And naked I shall return there. The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away. Blessed be the name of the LORD."

Still Getting Used to This

Today somebody whose name starts with your same letter and shares a letter in the middle with you texted me.  When the name came up on my phone, I instantly got the same feeling I had for years when I got one of your texts. For a split second I wondered what you wanted to tell me or ask me. So many times you would just text to say hi.

A few days ago marked one month since you died. That did not go by without my remembering. I will always go back to that moment I learned you were gone and life changed so dramatically. I screamed and asked God why. I said "that's my sister!" and could not understand. I still do not understand.

I cried off and on but it felt like I was crying non-stop. I cried in the shower. My kids and almost every stranger saw me so distressed. We drove like mad people to get your kids who had been left without you in a state they didn't know surrounded by strangers. I couldn't get to them fast enough. I tried my best to love them as much as I could and hug them and comfort them. I let them know that it is OK to be sad and to grieve and to be angry or bargain. I can't wait to see them again. They have to live like few of us have to, like you and I never had to.

I am realizing just how much I thought of you when you were alive. I am constantly reminded of you. I think people are a little uncomfortable when I mention you now. I will respond with "my sister used to do that", or "my sister and I used to do that", or "my sister..."; you get the point.  I think people expect me to break down when I speak of you. I don't. I love remembering you.  It has made me realize how often I always thought of you before. It is second nature to think of you and how you fit into my life.

I'm sad today. I still don't understand why you had to go. I never will. That's OK. We will see each other again someday. God holds me in His hands and strengthens me. He is teaching me and healing me slowly. He is the one blessed assurance we have in this life.

I should get back into my prayer journal. I just checked it, empty on the day you died, and the verse is very poignant: "Many are the afflictions of the righteous: but the LORD delivereth him out of them all." Psalm 34:19.

Psalm 30:11

I wanted to remind myself of this verse again. I want this to be my hope:

You have turned for me my mourning into dancing; You have loosed my sackcloth and girded me with gladness Psalm 30:11

Another Adventure

We used to always try to plan a cruise together. I wish we had been able to do that just once, but it never happened.

Last night I dreamed that you and I and our kids were on a trip. Part of the trip was getting off of our small boat and swimming to shore. It took us 20 minutes in my dream, and on the way we passed a carnival cruise ship.

We got to shore and we were in Spain. I followed you to some place that was like a homeless encampment with tents in the brush. We left our oldest kids somewhere on the way to this tent and you went back to get them. I was following you back because you hadn't returned in a while. Along the way back I woke up. I never found you.

I laughed about that dream. I think I will try to get a cruise trip going in your memory.

Dog Bite

I remember when we were so little; I must have been 3 or 4 and you were around 5 or 6 I guess. You had gotten too close to a mama dog on the ranch and been bitten on the cheek by her. I remember all the adults running around frantic and stressed because you had been bit. I remember the drama of it all and it's one of my earliest memories in life. I remember that you had a scar there for a few years but it was pretty well gone by the time you grew up.

I can still picture the way you used to look at me when you would talk, saying something exciting, something funny, trying to push my buttons in a good-natured way. I hope I can always recall these memories so easily. I am afraid of losing them over time.

Almost everything reminds me of you. I can find a way to involve your memory into almost any conversation. I think it must be bugging people at work by now but I think they also expect me to break down when I talk about you. I love talking about you, whether or not I have to cry about it. You were so wonderful and it's just so wonderful to remember you joyfully and sorrowfully.

I can't believe you're gone. I keep thinking strange things, like how you would be so upset about this. This feels like such a bad dream. On the one hand I know that this is reality. It is just so difficult to think of the future without you in it. You're there with me every step of the way. I go to sleep thinking of you and I wake up thinking of you. This is something I need you to go through with me but you can't.

Today's not really a very bad day. I cried the other night in my sorrow. I think it had been too many days since I last cried. I just don't know what to do with my life.

Las Vegas

I loved when you moved to Las Vegas because then you were only a long car drive away. I helped you move into your first place there and we painted almost the whole house at first. I took a train and a bus to get there. It was so worth it just to spend time with you.

One time when we visited you there a robbery happened on the base shortly after we left the base to go to a museum. It was an interesting base since it backed right up to civilian housing.

I remember one time I went with you to one of your spouse club meetings while I was visiting and when we left they had closed down all the exits we tried to leave to get back to your house. I think your husband had to walk us through (on the phone) which way to drive to get back to the other side of the base. I remember us laughing about it afterward.

Beach

Remember the trip to LA for our brother's wedding? That was an awesome trip. I enjoyed getting to take our families together so many places, staying in hotel rooms next to each other, and relaxing together. This picture is from our day at the beach. Our kids were littler then and we got pictures of them together. So cute.

Even though we didn't live in the same state for the past decade, every time we were together it was a vacation so that was fun and meant lots of time and trips together.

Andrae Crouch *Soon And Very Soon* "Live"

Candace and I loved to listen to Andrae Crouch. We grew up with our parents listening to it. This song came to mind when I thought about her funeral.


I am loved by a great and mighty God who holds me in his hands. He knows my hurt and pain. He is my comfort and my strength. I know that soon and very soon we are going to see the one true King.

Memories of the Future

Remember when we used to say that we were going to grow old together like Nanna and Georgie?  We would plan to live together in a retirement home and be little old ladies together.  I am sad about not getting to do that with you.  We would have loved it.

I don't know why this was God's plan, but I know better than to question His judgment.  His ways are better than our ways, no matter how much better our ways seem or how we don't understand the reasoning behind what happened.  It still hurts to miss you.

I have to figure out how to change my cell phone because your house phone comes up as just your name on my cell.  I had been OK with it since you died as long as I was clear-minded when somebody from your house called.  Today I was doing something else and for a split second when I saw your name I forgot and thought you were calling me.  It hurts to feel that. Today I need God's strength.

I also remembered something that made me smile and laugh a little.  You wrote a book in elementary school called "My Sister the Dog".  I was so offended about it for years, but it really is a funny book.  We laughed about it as adults.  I hope your husband still has it.  I would love to read it again.

Strong Enough - Matthew West - Worship Video with lyrics

This came on the radio tonight at a time when I was feeling sad.  It gives me peace to know where my strength comes from.

"I lift up my eyes to the hills.
From where does my help come?
My help comes from the Lord,
who made heaven and earth." Psalm 121:1-2

"I can do all things through Him who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13

Massage

I am so glad I had the chance to treat you to a massage for your birthday last year. It might have been the year before because I can get them mixed up, but it's no matter, really. I remember how fun it was to go in to the spa together and that you fell asleep during the massage because it was so relaxing. I wished I had been able to fall asleep like you did. Then we had those facials with goopy stuff that we kept finding on our chins afterward.

I remember other times of going with you to get our hair cut or nails done. That was something we always loved to do together. We made sure to get pedicures when I visited you in Florida. I think you were pregnant then.

Falling Over With Laughter

Jud reminded me tonight of a favorite memory with you. When we had traveled to D.C. together and we were in the train station to leave, I fell backward on the escalator and I was caught from behind (I think literally on my behind!). You knew that I thought my husband had caught me and you loudly told me while trying to hold back laughter, "Jeanette, that's not your husband!" I immediately tried to regain my balance while precariously leaning against my suitcase and escalator railings and laughing and it was like an episode of "I Love Lucy." We laughed so hard about that. I still can't think about it without smiling. It was so great each time we would get the giggles together.

Building 429 - We Won't Be Shaken

We won't be shaken

 This song by Building 429 fills my heart right now:


"We Won't Be Shaken"

This world has nothing for me
This life is not my own
I know You go before me and I am not alone
This mountain rises higher
The way seems so unclear
But I know that You go with me so I will never fear
I will trust in You

Whatever will come our way
Through fire or pouring rain
We won't be shaken
No we won't be shaken
Whatever tomorrow brings
Together we'll rise and sing
That we won't be shaken
No we won't be shaken
Oooh oooh oh
Oooh oooh oh
Oooh oooh oh
No we won't be shaken

You know my every longing
You've heard my every prayer
You've held me in my weakness
Cause You are always there
So I'll stand in full surrender
It's Your way and not my own
My mind is set on nothing less
Than You and You alone
I will not be moved oh

Whatever will come our way
Through fire or pouring rain
We won't be shaken
No we won't be shaken
Whatever tomorrow brings
Together we'll rise and sing
That we won't be shaken
No we won't be shaken

We will trust in You
We will not be moved
We will trust in You
And we won't be shaken
[x3]

No we won't be shaken

Whatever will come our way
Through fire or pouring rain
We won't be shaken
No we won't be shaken
Whatever tomorrow brings
Together we'll rise and sing
That we won't be shaken
No we won't be shaken
Oooh oooh oh
Oooh oooh oh
Oooh oooh oh
No we won't be shaken
Oooh oooh oh
Oooh oooh oh
Oooh oooh oh
No we won't be shaken

Phone Calls

A memory I had recently is our long phone calls over the years. I remember having to call my cell phone provider more than once to up my minutes because I had exceeded them in talking to you for hours upon hours. That is a happy memory I have. We would sometimes talk until one of our husbands would start to protest or remind us that we had something to do or somewhere to go. My phone minutes will not get used up at all now because I hate talking on the phone. I can only stand it with a few people, one of whom was you. I will miss our phone calls.

I keep remembering things and telling myself that I will write them down but then I forget again with all the thoughts and prayers that swirl around my brain constantly. I don't want to forget a single memory with you.

I am still picturing the earth without you in it each day so that I can get used to this new reality. I can do it. I know I can. It is still going to hurt and that's OK. I accept that it will. Most memories with you don't make me cry but some just do. That's part of being human. It's part of loving another person so deeply. It's why people don't let other people get so close, but loving you was so easy. You were so easy to love. You accepted me when other people did not.

We had not lived in the same state for over a decade. I had not seen you in person for over a year. I received a text from you a half hour before you died. I've been reading those texts over and over, along with your emails. I loved having a sister who was my best friend because it made me feel better about the world. Nobody else wanted to love me like a sister or take the time to understand me. We were close even though we lived on opposite coasts.

I feel selfish because this is just about me, me, me. I know I had to share you with your husband and kids and I know that they feel deeper sorrow than I do. Your kids whom I love and consider my own and it tears me apart to not be near them. Your husband who shares a birthday with me and holds a special place in my heart for loving you.

I know where you are right now and I don't have regrets because you know exactly how much I loved you and that you were my best friend. I am so glad that you and I never let petty squabbles get in the way of our friendship and love for each other in the long term. We knew there was no time to waste on that.

You were always planning and I loved your plans. Sometimes they seemed far-fetched to me, but I generally went along with them. You were far more thoughtful than I was. I could rarely see past you and me and I never liked sharing you with friends. You knew that.

This is the first time I've not had you while going through something painful or happy. I have hugs and support from caring people in my life. People who were introduced to me for such a time as this.

I know what it's like to be your little sister and I will always treasure that.

Life is just so random and unpredictable. I created this blog and one post back in February with no idea about what would happen this year. I logged in to start a blog today to journal some thoughts about my sister and found that I had created this blog about mourning in February. I don't even remember what I was sad about at the time but this sorrow eclipses whatever it was so that will be its new purpose. The title and verse I wrote about back then bring me to tears. They don't seem like my own words but they speak right into my heart. I know that one day He will turn our mourning into dancing but for now we have a journey to get to that place.

It will be with sadness and joyful memories that I write here. I have a lot of both to work through.

 "For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory that is to be revealed to us." Romans 8:18

Psalm 30

"Hear, O LORD, and be gracious to me; O LORD, be my helper." You have turned my mourning into dancing; you have loosed my sackcloth and girded me with gladness, that my soul may sing praise to You and not be silent. O LORD my God, I will give thanks to You forever. Psalm 30:10-12

What a mighty God we serve. I want to write down my thoughts and collect them here for future reference. I want to not lose sight of what is important in life-God-when I get carried away with concerns that are less important.

I am tired. I'm weary. I want to follow God's will in my life.