I still feel broken hearted. I don't think it will ever heal all the way. My mind runs through the past year back until the day my sister died over and over, back through Grandpa's death and Grandma's death. I know I'll be OK.
Tuesday, August 5, 2014
A Purple Melancholy
I still feel broken hearted. I don't think it will ever heal all the way. My mind runs through the past year back until the day my sister died over and over, back through Grandpa's death and Grandma's death. I know I'll be OK.
Sunday, June 15, 2014
Two Hard Days
I have been subconsciously avoiding thinking about today and tomorrow. I did not take tomorrow off even though it will mark one year since you died. I realized yesterday (since I've been avoiding thinking much on it) that most years there will be two days that stick in my mind and remember the day you died. Since it happened on Father's Day, that will always mark that holiday with those memories, as well as the calendar date. I just hadn't given it any thought but it was worth noting to myself for some reason.
Yesterday was hard. I cried a bit thinking about it. I looked over pictures of you when you were little, spent time remembering what you looked like as an adult and how it felt to hug you. I expected today to be harder, but it wasn't. I contemplated today how I am in much the same situation that I was last Father's Day with my kids going crazy and my husband taking them to spend the afternoon outdoors. The only solace for today was that I can never get a call again that my sister is dead since I only had one.
You came to me in a dream again the other night. You were telling me that you got a job in California and I was so excited and told you that this was great because now I can see you more often than once a year. I woke up happy afterward while remembering the dream because in it I didn't know that you were dead. Even if that's all I get now, just to see you in my dreams, I'll take it. I know that I will get to see you and hug you again someday.
Last year at this time we were well on our way to Boise to rush to your kids. I was distraught, crying almost non-stop. I cried and cried and it hurt to cry and I felt like an empty shell of a human. I did not know what to do with myself. It was awful.
Over the past year I know that I have been carried by our great, loving God when I couldn't get through. I have been comforted by the Holy Spirit with a peace that I can not understand at times. I have been redeemed by the blood of the Lamb and it is well with my soul.
By God's mighty hand I have made it through a year without you, which is something I never thought I would have to do for many more decades and never imagined how I would get through. I am not over it yet, and likely will never be, but it is always a delicate balance between grieving too much and not grieving enough. Like Goldilocks, I have to get it just right to make it through. I would like to think that I've learned a little bit about how to comfort others through their grief; things like what to say and what not to say. To listen and offer comfort without having to have the right words or any words to say.
I've learned that through it all the most important verse to me is still this:
32 Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.
Yesterday was hard. I cried a bit thinking about it. I looked over pictures of you when you were little, spent time remembering what you looked like as an adult and how it felt to hug you. I expected today to be harder, but it wasn't. I contemplated today how I am in much the same situation that I was last Father's Day with my kids going crazy and my husband taking them to spend the afternoon outdoors. The only solace for today was that I can never get a call again that my sister is dead since I only had one.
You came to me in a dream again the other night. You were telling me that you got a job in California and I was so excited and told you that this was great because now I can see you more often than once a year. I woke up happy afterward while remembering the dream because in it I didn't know that you were dead. Even if that's all I get now, just to see you in my dreams, I'll take it. I know that I will get to see you and hug you again someday.
Last year at this time we were well on our way to Boise to rush to your kids. I was distraught, crying almost non-stop. I cried and cried and it hurt to cry and I felt like an empty shell of a human. I did not know what to do with myself. It was awful.
Over the past year I know that I have been carried by our great, loving God when I couldn't get through. I have been comforted by the Holy Spirit with a peace that I can not understand at times. I have been redeemed by the blood of the Lamb and it is well with my soul.
By God's mighty hand I have made it through a year without you, which is something I never thought I would have to do for many more decades and never imagined how I would get through. I am not over it yet, and likely will never be, but it is always a delicate balance between grieving too much and not grieving enough. Like Goldilocks, I have to get it just right to make it through. I would like to think that I've learned a little bit about how to comfort others through their grief; things like what to say and what not to say. To listen and offer comfort without having to have the right words or any words to say.
I've learned that through it all the most important verse to me is still this:
Ephesians 4:32
English Standard Version (ESV)
Sunday, May 11, 2014
Memories of Grandma
I wanted to write down some memories of my Grandma here to save them. My husband had suggested to me that I publish this blog into a book after one year has passed since you died. I had thought to call it something like "A Year of Grief". In light of Grandpa and Grandma's deaths since you died, it seems ominous to call it that. For now, I will jot down some memories that come to mind about Grandma.
1. I recall that grandma bought me the Sister Act 2 soundtrack because I wanted it badly. I listened to it over and over and loved it. I can still hear my favorite songs from it in my head.
2. Grandma's back rubs! They were the best. We always made sure to get one at her house when we visited. It was one of the highlights of a visit to see her.
3. Sliced apples. Grandma would slice and peel apples for our snacks. I thought it was amazing that she would take the time to do that for us. She loved us dearly.
4. Frozen cheez-its! Another favorite snack at Grandma's house. She kept them in the freezer and they're best that way.
5. Grandma and Grandpa would play tag at the park with us. They were the only grandparents who would.
6. Grandma and Grandpa would take us on trips to places like Scandia, Train Town, state parks, and museums.
7. Green gum. Grandma always kept green gum in her kitchen drawer. Going home with a stick of that gum was the best.
8. Staying the night at Grandma's house meant making the bed a certain way when I woke up. I learned that early.
9. Staying the night at Grandma's house on a holiday meant that I got to make place cards for the meal.
10. I remember Grandma had a coloring book of Tom Sawyer stories. I colored the page where he convinced other kids to paint a fence.
11. One of my favorite books to look at in her house was called "Miss Jaster's Garden". It was about a hedgehog who lived in Miss Jaster's garden and blended in because she inadvertently planted flowers on his back. Miss Jaster eventually discovered the hedgehog and fed and watered him. I love to read about hedgehogs to this day.
12. Toys. Grandma had the best toys to play with. She had Barbies for me to play with, Tinkertoys, Spirograph, a foam and yarn sewing machine, a game with eggs, a fashion designer set, mr. potato head, and so much more.
1. I recall that grandma bought me the Sister Act 2 soundtrack because I wanted it badly. I listened to it over and over and loved it. I can still hear my favorite songs from it in my head.
2. Grandma's back rubs! They were the best. We always made sure to get one at her house when we visited. It was one of the highlights of a visit to see her.
3. Sliced apples. Grandma would slice and peel apples for our snacks. I thought it was amazing that she would take the time to do that for us. She loved us dearly.
4. Frozen cheez-its! Another favorite snack at Grandma's house. She kept them in the freezer and they're best that way.
5. Grandma and Grandpa would play tag at the park with us. They were the only grandparents who would.
6. Grandma and Grandpa would take us on trips to places like Scandia, Train Town, state parks, and museums.
7. Green gum. Grandma always kept green gum in her kitchen drawer. Going home with a stick of that gum was the best.
8. Staying the night at Grandma's house meant making the bed a certain way when I woke up. I learned that early.
9. Staying the night at Grandma's house on a holiday meant that I got to make place cards for the meal.
10. I remember Grandma had a coloring book of Tom Sawyer stories. I colored the page where he convinced other kids to paint a fence.
11. One of my favorite books to look at in her house was called "Miss Jaster's Garden". It was about a hedgehog who lived in Miss Jaster's garden and blended in because she inadvertently planted flowers on his back. Miss Jaster eventually discovered the hedgehog and fed and watered him. I love to read about hedgehogs to this day.
12. Toys. Grandma had the best toys to play with. She had Barbies for me to play with, Tinkertoys, Spirograph, a foam and yarn sewing machine, a game with eggs, a fashion designer set, mr. potato head, and so much more.
Give Grandma a Hug for Me
Grandma died last night, just before Mother's Day. Ironically, the first day Dad and our Uncle have to spend without their mother alive is Mother's Day. That was not lost on me today.
My emotions went through a wide range today. At one point I felt a bit sick to my stomach. Three people in my family dead in one year. This seems crazy. Do I want to be angry with God? No. Do I wonder why this has happened? A little bit. I still maintain that deferring to His authority is obedience and what He requires from me.
My emotions went through a wide range today. At one point I felt a bit sick to my stomach. Three people in my family dead in one year. This seems crazy. Do I want to be angry with God? No. Do I wonder why this has happened? A little bit. I still maintain that deferring to His authority is obedience and what He requires from me.
Lamentations 3:22-23
New American Standard Bible (NASB)
22 The Lord’s lovingkindnesses [a]indeed never cease,
For His compassions never fail.
23 They are new every morning;
Great is Your faithfulness.
For His compassions never fail.
23 They are new every morning;
Great is Your faithfulness.
I am still comforted with a peace that passes understanding. I know that my God is in control and He cares deeply for each of His people. He knows each hurt and I do not have to worry about myself or worry about tomorrow.
I realized a while ago that I could count the time since you died in boxes of cookies and donuts and it had to stop.
Wednesday, March 19, 2014
Where I am now
I have been doing OK lately. I did have a dream about a month ago that I was laughing and happy about in the morning. I had seen you in my dream and then I realized that I was dreaming of you. Suddenly I grabbed you and told you, "You're dead! Come here and hug me!" I knew that you are dead and that the only chance I had for a hug was right there in my dream.
It has now been 9 months. Sometimes lately I am still feeling sad and I miss you. This time of year is difficult because it's around your birthday and Easter. Since your birthday is always around Easter I guess I associated your birthday with the holiday. Seeing the candy and decorations in the store made me sad.
Every so often I relive the day you died, the moment I found out, and the following chaos and sorrow. It's like a horrible dream, something that happens in the news to other people, but it happened to us.
Someone at work just had their daughter arrive in town for a surprise visit. I used to love when you would do that, just showing up and there was so much excitement and joy in those times. I've never planned a surprise visit before to see Mom and Dad but it might be worth it. I always let them know beforehand. Seeing their reactions over Skype is all I usually need.
The days are long and the years are short. It will be that way until the end of time. I miss you. I love you.
It has now been 9 months. Sometimes lately I am still feeling sad and I miss you. This time of year is difficult because it's around your birthday and Easter. Since your birthday is always around Easter I guess I associated your birthday with the holiday. Seeing the candy and decorations in the store made me sad.
Every so often I relive the day you died, the moment I found out, and the following chaos and sorrow. It's like a horrible dream, something that happens in the news to other people, but it happened to us.
Someone at work just had their daughter arrive in town for a surprise visit. I used to love when you would do that, just showing up and there was so much excitement and joy in those times. I've never planned a surprise visit before to see Mom and Dad but it might be worth it. I always let them know beforehand. Seeing their reactions over Skype is all I usually need.
The days are long and the years are short. It will be that way until the end of time. I miss you. I love you.
Saturday, February 15, 2014
Today I had time to sit and think for a bit, and the thought came across my mind that you will never see 2014 on this earth. That's strange to me. If you take the two people in the world closest to you, and imagine what life looks like without one of them in it, it's a harsh reality.
I still can't wallow in my misery of throw myself a pity-party. Worse things have happened to people. This isn't the first time this has happened. I just never imagined life on my own so to speak.
I went back through my birthday cards from last year, after you died, and there was an absence of one with your handwriting for sure. I always looked forward to getting your cards.
Tonight I imagined playing a game from an app on my phone with you. It would be so fun to share it with you. The world is a very different place for me now. Sometimes it's even more confusing than it was before.
I listened to some of the Beth Moore live feed from Passion 2014 today. You would have loved listening to that too. We could have discussed the message together. Instead, I wrote about it in my prayer journal.
I find myself tonight oddly thinking that I can't wait until this is all over. It's more of a subconscious thought, because I really do enjoy life and the hopes we shared for the future even if they're not with you any more. It's like now I'm just waiting until we can be together again and there's this gap in time until I get there.
I still can't wallow in my misery of throw myself a pity-party. Worse things have happened to people. This isn't the first time this has happened. I just never imagined life on my own so to speak.
I went back through my birthday cards from last year, after you died, and there was an absence of one with your handwriting for sure. I always looked forward to getting your cards.
Tonight I imagined playing a game from an app on my phone with you. It would be so fun to share it with you. The world is a very different place for me now. Sometimes it's even more confusing than it was before.
I listened to some of the Beth Moore live feed from Passion 2014 today. You would have loved listening to that too. We could have discussed the message together. Instead, I wrote about it in my prayer journal.
I find myself tonight oddly thinking that I can't wait until this is all over. It's more of a subconscious thought, because I really do enjoy life and the hopes we shared for the future even if they're not with you any more. It's like now I'm just waiting until we can be together again and there's this gap in time until I get there.
Tuesday, February 4, 2014
Refusing Sadness
Tonight I am fighting it. My body feels sad but my brain is fighting against it. I don't want to be sad. I have some preconceived notion that 8 months is far too late to be crying and sad about it. I know that it would feel better to just cry and get it out and over with, yet I still fight it. Such conflict.
The other night I woke up in a good mood. I had a dream with you in it, only it was quite odd. You lived alone, no mention of your children or husband in my dream. That is where you are right now, so I guess it was fitting. It didn't strike me as odd until I woke up, but the dream was happy. My husband and kids and I were all staying at your place, and you had several rooms in your house. I was trying to convince Mom and Dad to stay at the house too so we could all be together.
The other night I woke up in a good mood. I had a dream with you in it, only it was quite odd. You lived alone, no mention of your children or husband in my dream. That is where you are right now, so I guess it was fitting. It didn't strike me as odd until I woke up, but the dream was happy. My husband and kids and I were all staying at your place, and you had several rooms in your house. I was trying to convince Mom and Dad to stay at the house too so we could all be together.
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