Last night is the first time I remember crying about you in my dreams. I was sitting across from a little girl who had some travel documents stamped "orphan" on them. She was sitting with a couple who was explaining to me that her parents had died and she was an orphan. I was trying to tell them or anybody around me that my sister had died and her daughter does not have a mother either. I wanted to tell this to the little girl too. I don't remember if I got to do that, but then I remember sitting across from her and crying because my sister is dead. I felt the sadness and pain as if I was crying while awake. I woke up wondering if I had actually cried in my sleep.
Even 4 months later, it can still feel like a bizarre nightmare sometimes. It just seems so crazy that this really has happened and this is what life will be like form now on. It's such a huge change in life.
I had a great phone conversation with your husband the other day. We are all still figuring out communication with each other now that you're gone because it's different. I'm not overwhelmingly sad, I'm mostly just a dry, hollow kind of sad that doesn't cry. Sometimes I still cry. There are still sad feelings to be had. Life will (and does) have many more happy feelings. Getting through these sad ones takes time.
I remember one crazy story from when we were little. I can't remember the exact details, so I will have to ask Mom or Dad because they would remember. I think Dad was driving his truck with you and me in it. You were not buckled, because it was the early 80s, and you fell out and rolled down the hill we were driving on. That's how I remember it anyway. It might not be very accurate.
When I sit and think of you, I can hear you talking to me, calling me by my middle name, which I always hated to be called by, and I can hear your voice answering the phone or leaving me a phone message. You used to always start the same way, "Hey! It's me." You never had to say who you were. I really miss that so much.
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