You Were So Sad

Tonight might be a little messy. I have felt like crying a few times today.

Today a flood of memory and sorrow overcame me when I remembered how you told me that you were moving to Japan for a few years. You were so sad and I told you that it was the same distance to me as our coast to coast distance. I did not understand your sorrow. I made eager plans to visit you every year in Japan, which was about the same frequency that I got to see you when you lived across the country from me.

I remember your words to me on that phone call. You said, "I am so glad that I get to spend time with the boys this summer." I thought for sure you were going to tell me that you had a terminal illness by the wavering and tears in your voice. "Because we got stationed in Japan for a few years." I felt a sense of excitement and relief. I would still get to see you and go visit you. How could you have known what the future held? How could I?

You were the only person on the earth that I would let take my boys for a month. Now I wish I could have your kids for the summer.

I go back over and over to the feeling of anticipation and excitement and planning that I had the day you died. I was so looking forward to it and I know that you were too. Just one hug from you. That's all I want tonight and I can't have it. I will have to wait what feels like so long for it. It's so lonely. I could cry right now but instead I will wrap myself up in your blanket and remember your warmth and love. Besides, if I cry and one of my kids wakes up, he will come hug me and try to comfort me like they have so many other times this summer.

I caught myself yesterday at work talking about "my sister's dog". I guess she will always be your dog but it stung me a little to say it for some reason. It's like now she's not your dog, she just belongs to your husband and kids.

Last Sunday in church I almost lost it again. I don't know what it is about worshiping but it gets me almost every time. The words seem to cut my soul sometimes. Words of hope, healing, and love tear at my raw heart because I know that they are true but that I am so sad at the same time. Last Sunday I remembered one Sunday at my church when I closed my eyes and felt like the beautiful voices worshiping God surrounding me were angel's voices. That Sunday a while ago I had thought I had a glimpse of heaven. I then realized that you already know about all of that. For some reason that struck me and I could no longer focus.

I am sure that my words sound much more dramatic than I really am. I still love to talk about you. Tomorrow I get to meet with another woman whose sister died a short time ago. I am reminded of the comfort I have received and the words of this verse came to mind as well so I looked up the exact verse: "Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God." 1Cor 1:3-4. I have received great comfort in my affliction. I pray that God will use me to comfort others and I am thankful that I know Him and He knows my heart. His Holy Spirit groans for me in my "weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we should, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words;" Rom 8:26.

I still can't believe that Grandpa is gone too sometimes. It has been the most emotional summer I've ever had. I am learning so much about grief, God, myself, and people through all of this. I just want to sit and remember you every free moment I get.