Go Ahead

Today I'm telling myself that it's OK to miss you a lot. I don't need people telling me how to feel. It's not that anybody is telling me that, but I have fielded just a few insensitive comments that I should forgive because they still sting.

I am going to go ahead and miss you today. I miss getting to talk with you. There is nobody who can take your place. A best friend sister is a once in a lifetime thing that we had for a little over a decade. I don't have any other sister or best friend. This just hurts sometimes. I try not to wallow in self-pity since I know that other people have it much worse, and it could have been worse than it is. Some days are just more difficult than others.

I want to fill you in on the latest updates but they're only important here where life goes on. Some days it's as if you just disappeared. I am trying my best to reach out and build relationships with people because that's what the future is now. Sometimes I think I'm still in shock at the reality of it. I still imagine what it would have been like if you had made it all the way to my house. I just want you here and I don't think that's wrong because I'm human and God allows us to grieve and cry. He made us with emotions and feelings.

All in all, I think I'm doing pretty well to have lost one of the two people closest to me in this world. That's half of the earth to an introvert like myself. I can only build deep relationships and a large quantity of shallow relationships does not work for me at all. I'm praying that God will fill this chasm somehow. I struggle with feeling alone in shallow friendships. Some days they help me get by but I am at a loss in how to deepen them. I pray that God will enable me to do that.