Guest Blogger-Jonovan

Jonovan had a writing assignment for social studies this month. He wrote the following about his most prized possession.

My prized possession is my Little Big Planet video game. It is important to me because my aunt Candace gave it to me and my brother. My aunt Candace died two years ago. She was nice and funny. My brother plays it with me and we finished all of the levels together. We had a lot of fun playing together. My cousin Aaron and I would play it together and we finished a lot of the levels together. We had a lot of fun playing it together. My family likes to play it together on Friday (family game night). That is why it is important to me and my family. It also helps us remember her because she gave it to us.

I Am Loved

I feel like I am ready to move on a bit. It has been slow going, a slow process to get here, but I feel differently than I did a year ago. Today for the first time ever I feel like I am moving on a little more. I feel like I am telling myself to move on.

At first, it feels traitorous to do so. I love my sister dearly and so deeply. How can I honor her memory if I move on? I think I am starting to reconcile these feelings. I can move along my path of healing a little more each day. I feel joy in life again. I feel like I couldn't imagine feeling for over a year. I am making new changes while still remembering with sorrow and fondness the memories of my sister, grandpa, and grandma.

Today it hit me  as I was writing postcards to all my family, when I got to writing my grandparents, that I am missing a whole set of grandparents. What a different world it is today. I am OK with that. I have new friends to make and people left to love. I have a God who knows me.

Breathing Fresh Air

Lately I feel more like I am growing and changing and breathing fresh air. I feel some sadness lifting and have found some joy. I feel like it is true that "You have turned for me my mourning into dancing;
You have loosed my sackcloth and girded me with gladness." Psalm 30:11.

Praise the Lord! I feel like I have hit a different path than the one I was on, but I had to get through the rocky mountains to see what lies ahead.

A Purple Melancholy

This song has been running through my head for at least a week now. I finally looked up the music video for it and watched. I was pretty surprised at the end of the video because of how my sister died in a car crash last summer. Ironically this song has been speaking to me as it runs through my head. I love the lyrics and music.

I still feel broken hearted. I don't think it will ever heal all the way. My mind runs through the past year back until the day my sister died over and over, back through Grandpa's death and Grandma's death. I know I'll be OK.

Two Hard Days

I have been subconsciously avoiding thinking about today and tomorrow. I did not take tomorrow off even though it will mark one year since you died. I realized yesterday (since I've been avoiding thinking much on it) that most years there will be two days that stick in my mind and remember the day you died. Since it happened on Father's Day, that will always mark that holiday with those memories, as well as the calendar date. I just hadn't given it any thought but it was worth noting to myself for some reason.

Yesterday was hard. I cried a bit thinking about it. I looked over pictures of you when you were little, spent time remembering what you looked like as an adult and how it felt to hug you. I expected today to be harder, but it wasn't. I contemplated today how I am in much the same situation that I was last Father's Day with my kids going crazy and my husband taking them to spend the afternoon outdoors. The only solace for today was that I can never get a call again that my sister is dead since I only had one.

You came to me in a dream again the other night. You were telling me that you got a job in California and I was so excited and told you that this was great because now I can see you more often than once a year. I woke up happy afterward while remembering the dream because in it I didn't know that you were dead. Even if that's all I get now, just to see you in my dreams, I'll take it. I know that I will get to see you and hug you again someday.

Last year at this time we were well on our way to Boise to rush to your kids. I was distraught, crying almost non-stop. I cried and cried and it hurt to cry and I felt like an empty shell of a human. I did not know what to do with myself. It was awful.

Over the past year I know that I have been carried by our great, loving God when I couldn't get through. I have been comforted by the Holy Spirit with a peace that I can not understand at times. I have been redeemed by the blood of the Lamb and it is well with my soul.

By God's mighty hand I have made it through a year without you, which is something I never thought I would have to do for many more decades and never imagined how I would get through. I am not over it yet, and likely will never be, but it is always a delicate balance between grieving too much and not grieving enough. Like Goldilocks, I have to get it just right to make it through. I would like to think that I've learned a little bit about how to comfort others through their grief; things like what to say and what not to say. To listen and offer comfort without having to have the right words or any words to say.

I've learned that through it all the most important verse to me is still this:

Ephesians 4:32

English Standard Version (ESV)

³² Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.

Memories of Grandma

I wanted to write down some memories of my Grandma here to save them. My husband had suggested to me that I publish this blog into a book after one year has passed since you died. I had thought to call it something like "A Year of Grief". In light of Grandpa and Grandma's deaths since you died, it seems ominous to call it that. For now, I will jot down some memories that come to mind about Grandma.

1. I recall that grandma bought me the Sister Act 2 soundtrack because I wanted it badly. I listened to it over and over and loved it. I can still hear my favorite songs from it in my head.

2. Grandma's back rubs! They were the best. We always made sure to get one at her house when we visited. It was one of the highlights of a visit to see her.

3. Sliced apples. Grandma would slice and peel apples for our snacks. I thought it was amazing that she would take the time to do that for us. She loved us dearly.

4. Frozen cheez-its! Another favorite snack at Grandma's house. She kept them in the freezer and they're best that way.

5. Grandma and Grandpa would play tag at the park with us. They were the only grandparents who would.

6. Grandma and Grandpa would take us on trips to places like Scandia, Train Town, state parks, and museums.

7. Green gum. Grandma always kept green gum in her kitchen drawer. Going home with a stick of that gum was the best.

8. Staying the night at Grandma's house meant making the bed a certain way when I woke up. I learned that early.

9. Staying the night at Grandma's house on a holiday meant that I got to make place cards for the meal.

10. I remember Grandma had a coloring book of Tom Sawyer stories. I colored the page where he convinced other kids to paint a fence.

11. One of my favorite books to look at in her house was called "Miss Jaster's Garden". It was about a hedgehog who lived in Miss Jaster's garden and blended in because she inadvertently planted flowers on his back. Miss Jaster eventually discovered the hedgehog and fed and watered him. I love to read about hedgehogs to this day.

12. Toys. Grandma had the best toys to play with. She had Barbies for me to play with, Tinkertoys, Spirograph, a foam and yarn sewing machine, a game with eggs, a fashion designer set, mr. potato head, and so much more.

Give Grandma a Hug for Me

Grandma died last night, just before Mother's Day. Ironically, the first day Dad and our Uncle have to spend without their mother alive is Mother's Day. That was not lost on me today.

My emotions went through a wide range today. At one point I felt a bit sick to my stomach. Three people in my family dead in one year. This seems crazy. Do I want to be angry with God? No. Do I wonder why this has happened? A little bit. I still maintain that deferring to His authority is obedience and what He requires from me.

Lamentations 3:22-23

New American Standard Bible (NASB)

²² The Lord’s lovingkindnesses ^[a]indeed never cease,
For His compassions never fail.
²³ They are new every morning;
Great is Your faithfulness.

I am still comforted with a peace that passes understanding. I know that my God is in control and He cares deeply for each of His people. He knows each hurt and I do not have to worry about myself or worry about tomorrow.

I realized a while ago that I could count the time since you died in boxes of cookies and donuts and it had to stop.