I keep remembering things and telling myself that I will write them down but then I forget again with all the thoughts and prayers that swirl around my brain constantly. I don't want to forget a single memory with you.

I am still picturing the earth without you in it each day so that I can get used to this new reality. I can do it. I know I can. It is still going to hurt and that's OK. I accept that it will. Most memories with you don't make me cry but some just do. That's part of being human. It's part of loving another person so deeply. It's why people don't let other people get so close, but loving you was so easy. You were so easy to love. You accepted me when other people did not.

We had not lived in the same state for over a decade. I had not seen you in person for over a year. I received a text from you a half hour before you died. I've been reading those texts over and over, along with your emails. I loved having a sister who was my best friend because it made me feel better about the world. Nobody else wanted to love me like a sister or take the time to understand me. We were close even though we lived on opposite coasts.

I feel selfish because this is just about me, me, me. I know I had to share you with your husband and kids and I know that they feel deeper sorrow than I do. Your kids whom I love and consider my own and it tears me apart to not be near them. Your husband who shares a birthday with me and holds a special place in my heart for loving you.

I know where you are right now and I don't have regrets because you know exactly how much I loved you and that you were my best friend. I am so glad that you and I never let petty squabbles get in the way of our friendship and love for each other in the long term. We knew there was no time to waste on that.

You were always planning and I loved your plans. Sometimes they seemed far-fetched to me, but I generally went along with them. You were far more thoughtful than I was. I could rarely see past you and me and I never liked sharing you with friends. You knew that.

This is the first time I've not had you while going through something painful or happy. I have hugs and support from caring people in my life. People who were introduced to me for such a time as this.

I know what it's like to be your little sister and I will always treasure that.