It has been a while since I've poured out my heart here. I wanted to share the oversight God put on my heart this year. It is 2 Corinthians 9:8. "And God is able to make all grace abound to you. So that having all sufficiency in all things at all times, you may abound in every good work."

I am continually seeking wisdom in understanding the meaning of this verse in my life. Several times God has allowed me to understand part of it, and then I learn even more later. How amazing are His words.

I will always remember the sound of my sister's voice, the way my grandpa smiled, and my grandma's singing. However, I am no longer plagued by sorrow. Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.

Late Night Musings on Grief, Sorrow, Etc.

As it often happens when I am kept up by my thoughts at night unable to sleep, I start to think and turn those thoughts into writing. I decided to try to document those thoughts this time rather than just leave them inside the labyrinth that is my INFP mind. Totally off the cuff, unpolished thoughts to flow freely here.


There was about year in my life that I was forcefully pushed to learn about death and life, loss and joy. It started one day like any other while waiting for my sister to arrive from a cross-country drive to visit me.


June 16, 2013: my beloved only sister died in a car crash. She was 36 years old, a loved wife and mother to two children. Being my older sister, she was a huge part of my identity. Needless to say, this was a tragic day that forever shaped each person in my family in different ways.


August 10, 2013: my beloved grandfather died. He was 79 years old. This happened very soon after my sister died and in the midst of heavy sorrow. It was difficult to sort out emotions between the two deaths. I have only fond memories of my grandpa. He had dementia and I believe that his heart was broken over my sister's death and he couldn't hold on to this world any longer.


May 10, 2014: my beloved grandmother died when she was 75. I believe that she was also heartbroken. I can still hear her sweet voice singing hymns. I felt pretty exhausted at this time, with a looming fear of another family member dying just because three in one year is a lot. My Dad lost a daughter and both parents within that same year. It was such a rough time.


It has been such a time of loss, sorrow, pain, grief, and anguish, and I am still unsure of how to describe what I have learned on this side of it, but I know that I am not the same person I was before June 16, 2013. I feel like I have learned about what life means through the experience of sorrow. I think that on most days I go about my regular routines but in the back of my mind I am always thinking of how different life is now without these people in the world. It had been about 20 years since someone in my family died and I went to a funeral. Now I can remember wearing the same gray dress to those three funerals as if it became a uniform. I spent a lot of time introspecting, praying, crying, and trying to figure out what it all meant.


I don't know what it all means, and I don't feel like I have to have it figured out. I take each lesson as it comes, knowing that God continues to teach me when I'm willing to learn and listen to His voice. I pray that he continues to guide us all, because life is difficult no matter what happens. He continues to move mountains for me just as He has done for His people for centuries. The God of my sister, grandparents, Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, David, Solomon, Luke, Paul, Timothy, Peter, and so many other believers is our refuge and strength.


God the Refuge of His People.
For the choir director. A Psalm of the sons of Korah, set to Alamoth. A Song.
1God is our refuge and strength,
            A very present help in trouble.
      2Therefore we will not fear, though the earth should change
            And though the mountains slip into the heart of the sea;      3Though its waters roar and foam,
            Though the mountains quake at its swelling pride.

Selah.

      4There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
            The holy dwelling places of the Most High.      5God is in the midst of her, she will not be moved;
            God will help her when morning dawns.      6The nations made an uproar, the kingdoms tottered;
            He raised His voice, the earth melted.      7The LORD of hosts is with us;
            The God of Jacob is our stronghold.

Selah.

      8Come, behold the works of the LORD,
            Who has wrought desolations in the earth.      9He makes wars to cease to the end of the earth;
            He breaks the bow and cuts the spear in two;
            He burns the chariots with fire.      10“Cease striving and know that I am God;
            I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.”      11The LORD of hosts is with us;
            The God of Jacob is our stronghold.

Selah.

Birthday Memories

Today would have been my sister's 38th birthday. It has been almost 2 years since she died and life has changed so much in that time that I find myself changing the way I think again in light of her absence. It has changed to me trying to picture her today in the 2015 world instead of it being so easy to imagine her with me. It's been long enough that I have to wonder what she would think if I told her what I have going on in my life today. Sometimes I imagine how a conversation would go between us.

I always have fond memories of my sister. I loved being able to tell her happy birthday on her birthday and sharing life's every day happenings with her. I feel now like the broken parts are starting to heal and be replaced with new experiences and memories that don't include her because they can't. The new parts are stronger in come ways and still weak in others, sometimes easily re-broken when memories resurface at just the right time.

Yesterday we were visiting an air museum and there were veterans around at this place. I made it most of the way through it all in a state of awe and wonder, making sure to take pictures and learn something about the history lessons there. All of a sudden, it hit me like a ton of bricks that my grandpa was a military man at heart and I miss him. I barely made it out of there without shedding tears. I don't know why it's important for me to not cry in front of strangers, but my brain seems to think it is and it stops me from doing it.

One of my most vivid memories of my sister's birthday, or at least an event that I associate with my sister's birthday, was a sleepover that she had with friends at our aunts house. There was some nonsense with the freezing of the bra of the first girl to fall asleep, which I thought was very cruel and did not understand. She was always surrounded by friends and a tagalong, grumpy, bitter, little sister. I felt sorry for it when I grew up and realized how I treated her growing up, but I was too immature to see it early on. She was always ready to forgive when I had wronged her, for the sake of sisterly love. She was a rare treasure, just like her birthstone the diamond. Now she is a diamond in heaven, a treasure where she is also dearly loved.

It Is Well With My Soul

I feel like I can breathe again, like I am finding out and exploring who I am now too. The holding pattern that I was in for a long time is something I want to break out of. I am a little restless; I feel like I need to get out and do something new and different. I need to challenge myself and get out of my comfort zone.

I have so many plans and ideas that I can't keep track of them. I am excited about the future and the opportunities there. I am trying to focus my mind on scripture and meditate on the verses. Life feels good again.

Guest Blogger-Jonovan

Jonovan had a writing assignment for social studies this month. He wrote the following about his most prized possession.

My prized possession is my Little Big Planet video game. It is important to me because my aunt Candace gave it to me and my brother. My aunt Candace died two years ago. She was nice and funny. My brother plays it with me and we finished all of the levels together. We had a lot of fun playing together. My cousin Aaron and I would play it together and we finished a lot of the levels together. We had a lot of fun playing it together. My family likes to play it together on Friday (family game night). That is why it is important to me and my family. It also helps us remember her because she gave it to us.

I Am Loved

I feel like I am ready to move on a bit. It has been slow going, a slow process to get here, but I feel differently than I did a year ago. Today for the first time ever I feel like I am moving on a little more. I feel like I am telling myself to move on.

At first, it feels traitorous to do so. I love my sister dearly and so deeply. How can I honor her memory if I move on? I think I am starting to reconcile these feelings. I can move along my path of healing a little more each day. I feel joy in life again. I feel like I couldn't imagine feeling for over a year. I am making new changes while still remembering with sorrow and fondness the memories of my sister, grandpa, and grandma.

Today it hit me  as I was writing postcards to all my family, when I got to writing my grandparents, that I am missing a whole set of grandparents. What a different world it is today. I am OK with that. I have new friends to make and people left to love. I have a God who knows me.

Breathing Fresh Air

Lately I feel more like I am growing and changing and breathing fresh air. I feel some sadness lifting and have found some joy. I feel like it is true that "You have turned for me my mourning into dancing;
You have loosed my sackcloth and girded me with gladness." Psalm 30:11.

Praise the Lord! I feel like I have hit a different path than the one I was on, but I had to get through the rocky mountains to see what lies ahead.